Pre-Season-Giving?

I was thinking about how Thanksgiving is really not a holiday anymore. It's more like a pracitce for Christmas. Decorations are already up, Santas already at the mall, and you grandma is sizing you up for another lumpy sweater she's gonna knit. I have come to the realization that Thanksgiving is really just like a pre-season football game. It doesn't really have a purpose other than to show everyone what you got, and then to see what you need to do for the big time. In pre-sason football no one is really looking for a win, just to show off a few things, get an idea about how they are going to do for the future. We're all the same way at Thanksgiving, we show up with our good clothes, but not the best ones, we have to save those for the big show. All the teams bring out their new star players out to see how they do in the leauge. We do the same thing with people we are dating, like a new quarter back we show them around, see the reactions and then decide if it's gonna fly for the regular season. Eating is the same way we eat a lot to see how far we can push ourselves before it starts to matter how much fruitcake you can put away in a two hour time period with Aunt Millie watching. I really miss the good old days when Thanksgiving was just a pre-season match, but more like a friendly pickup game just to have a few good times and laugh at your one uncle who eats too much and then hits the wine a little too hard for a family function. Good times.

Sorry everyone

Hey sorry I have been on here in a while, the truth is that I was abducted by aliens and forced to write for them, needless to say I am back, something about insuffient funniness and encreased enjoyment of frequent anal probes. OH Well. Wait that's not the truth. The real truth is I have been busy at school and at life. Some for the good, some for the not so good. But I promise soon I will be back to my old self. Lewd and Obnoxious.
Here is a few little things that I was thinking about.
An improvement for the NO TRESPASSING: Violaters will be Prosecuted.
Shorten it and just wait TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATEd. I would be sure to steer clear of that place.
Peer Pressure all the cool kids are doing it.
and also,
Don't try to seceed from the union. It is not very funny, and people get mad at you for being an asshole. Yeah that about sums it up.

Bob Barker, Game show host or Anti Christ

I know, I know all college students love Bob Barker and my dream should be to one day spin that big wheel and big on a showcase during one of the infamous showdowns, but I am breaking from the rest of higher education and saying that Bob really is not as cool as I we were made to think.
But he gives away so much stuff.
Bullshit. He gives away soooo much crap. That is the stuff that stores couldn't sell. How many dining room sets does the Prices Right Producers have in the warehouse, and why does every old person and college student win them. I've seen a lot of appartments during my breif college experience but none of them would look right with the blue flowered floral dishes and their dark wood display case, Yeah bob I'll just set it between the Beer Pong table and that passed out girl. Nice. And what do the old people want to win furniture for anyways. The stuff they have had since the 70's is in plastic covers anyways so it's not like they need new ones to just cover up.
But the showcases Jon, The showcases.
Yeah I always wanted a golf cart, an Air Hockey Table, and a trip to Montreal all at once. And never pass on a showcase because if you do your going to get the life time supply of dish detergent and a new kitchen sink, along with the latest in shopvac technology. The only thing Bobby boy's show has going for him is Plinko and new cars. If it wasn't for the chance at those two things, no one would watch. No one except for the old cat ladies whose life revolves around the price of kitty litter and cat food (two things bob gives away a lot of.) And how old is Bob, seriously they must have found him when they dug up the foundation for CBS's studios. He has been doing that show forever and never will stop so I am sure that he is ageless and there for Imortal and he's got to be evil to have a game show that demands you know the going price of Jock itch cream. so I deduce that he is infact the anti christ, that or an robot like his twin Dick Clark. So don't waste your afternoons watching him, watch something constructive like cartoons.

World Domination, eh too much work, NORTH AMERICA DOMINATION

People set their goals too high. The world is a big place with a lot of people who aren't going to like you too much. And they might have rocks or bullets and that would be bad if you got hit with either of those. SO revise your goals and take an easier route. I've chosen North America Domination. That's a lot of dominating Jon, How could you ever do that? Well I will tell you, First off is the hard part, become president. I am might just have to rig an election to get it but it's for the greater good and all that. So anyways I will declare War on Canada within a week of my acceptance of the Presidency. I will just say canada has a big program to make nukes out of Lumber, and show the Canadain national Lumber production numbers and people will be scared. (honestly who needs that much wood.) Anyways we will move up and go in with huge bags of trash and just litter everywhere. The general Canadian populace will be so busy picking things up and making their country clean again they will never see the massed troops shooting their way through their towns. Anyways after I declare total victory I will decree that a state quarter be minted and Canada be admitted as the 51st state. The Maple Leaf State. Their quarter will have some hockey sticks and a pitcher of syrup. And as a way to keep the their broken populace under check I will force them all to wear Mounty Costumes and become park rangers for America's Largest National Park : CANADIA. Meanwhile I figure all the mexicans will have snuck into Nevada, Arizona, Texas and California so we will just march down there and plant a few flags down and call it a day. And that is how I can dominate North America, maybe I will get greedy later and go for something else, but if a continent can't keep you busy, you may want to have a serious session with a doctor in the field of psychology.

People always come up to me and ask, "How can you relate Sandwiches to a Constitutional Amendment?" and I am all like "Well as I see it Sandwiches with pickles in them are stupid. There is a lot of sandwich and a little bit of pickle. so your only going to get 1 maybe 2 bites of pickle, and it's not the best flavor to be surprised by. Eating a McDonals cheeseburger with Pickles is like play Russian roulette. And how crappy is Russia if their roulette is taking a revolver, and having a 1 in 6 chance of killing yourself. Can you imagine what the rest of their casino is like. What would Russian Black Jack be if that is how they play Roulette. When you asked to get hit, you actually do. And don't get over 21, becuase when you bust, they bust your kneecaps. And speaking of busting knee caps, what is the mob been up to lately, I think the only thing organized crime has done recently is be made fun of by shows like the Sapranos. What happened to the cool shit they used to pull bank hiests, and run booze in from Canada, and use tommy guns and other cool mob stuff. That's right the reappealed Prohabition and all the cool shit stopped. so finally I will look at the subject of Prohabition and how retarded that was, what the hell were we thinking, what would college students do on the weekends? Bitch" and they are all like "OK thanks"

Today I was thinking about some foods I hate. The number one food I hate is Celery. I think satan is behind the whole business. Seriously it is a worthless food to me, and it blows my mind that other people can possibly eat it at all. But today I consumed Blue Cheese Dressing. Gaahhh, (icky stuff sound). I don't like the idea of eating mold. Mold is what happens when food becomes uneatable (not sure if that is a word or not). Also Mushrooms disgust me. Fungus is something you pick up from a dirty shower or a wrestling room floor, or by wrestling in the shower. Anything that grows directly in shit should not be put anywhere near your mouth. Your mom should have taught you that at age 5. Yeah so no more fungaseses or molds. Infact anything that produces spores should be not be considered for human consumption. E-ghad. I just wanted to say E-ghad.

I hate the word porn. Don't get me wrong, I love porn (in most of it's many, many forms), but still the word is so dirty and makes even me a little ashamed. Can't we think of a better world, or Maybe a whole new Phrase. Hows about "Instructional Video Meant to be veiwed by Adults" well that was kinda lame, but it sure beats something to give yourself a hand shanty to. Or Whack-a-film. Yeah that is foul. not fowl like geese. That is a different fowl and I am disappointed in you. you get an F, an F for the day

my clubhouse

Anyone who was a child at one time or another, had or tried to make a secret club. I remember I had one, and I am sure you can look fondly deep into your memories and think of your club, unless your club involved smoking pot, because then you can't remember shit. Anyways, does that dream of having a secret club ever disapear from our minds. I don't think so. Especially not for guys. Some guys get to make their dreams a reality, and open up a club. A lot like your original childhood club, well except for the loud music, expensive lighting, the drinking, you can't forget the drinking, but the most contradictory change is that of the most basic rule of a boys clubhouse. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. That rule has been shit on from the first time one of your buddies had his first squeak and sprouted some hair you know where. It seems like in modern clubs, the rule is not only girls welcome, but Girls only sometimes. Some clubs in the adult world do not violate the golden rule of childhood club housery, they instead continue to keep women away, Things like the lions club and the Elks and other places were old men go to bitch about their wives and get so drunk they can't remember what pills to take what day, or if they can't remember your name, it might not be a dabilitaing disease, just excessive drinking, or if they were a member of the afore mentioned pot smoking club. Well I demand a resurgance of the old ways of the clubhouse. I encourage everyone everywhere, gather together 3 or 4 friends, get a few cardboard boxes and whatever you can steal from the Neighbors back yard and go make your own club house.

I don't get poetry that doesn't rhyme. What seperates this paragraph that I am typing right now, from a poem. Is it how I write it? Is it in how it is said or spoken. Next time you read one of my blogs make sure you put in a lot of dramtic pauses and emphasise some of the more important words (like boobies or nipples). But I do give poets credit for their ability to lie. Without that talent poems would suck on a completely different level. Like when a poet says "her eyes were bluer than the deepest of oceans". Sweet huh, but if we were honest all the time they you might get something along the lines of, "It was generally accepted that she had eyes that were rather blue, possibly bluer than the north Atlanic from N 58' to N 110'." Also historic peoms would be missing some of their luster. "The face that luanched a thousand ships" wouldn't be nearly as effective as "The face that launched 405 cruisers, 100 Battleships, and 5 tugboats." (let's face it tugboats ruin anything that may have had to oppertunity to be sweet or Romantic.) And most importantly that brings me to my final point. The Atkins diet. (It really didn't bring me to the final point, but I needed a segway.) There has never possibly been a bigger crock of shit than the Atkins diet. Maybe the idea of clear pepsi was worse, but maybe not. Anyways anything that encourages you to eat unlimited bacon, but claims unholy war against something wholesome such as corn. CORN? They say "it's full of starch" and I say, "yeah it doesn't have nearly as much saturated fat as bacon so therefore it must be bad for you." I will admit that the diet works, for a little, but then as soon as you start enjoying normal foods and stop neglecting the food pyramid then you gain it back. There is a simplier way to lose weight. And what is that Jon? Lipo suction. That or not being lazy. Anyways I would love to wirite more, but as soon as I finish I am going to sleep

Ron Jeremy

Tonight I had a once in a life time oppertunity. I got to see Ron Jeremy speak to our college in a debate about porn. Most of my readers (ok readers is a strong word, how about casual glancers) know that I would naturaly be pro porn. (not porn pro. Not yet at least.) For some reason my better judgement took over and stopped me from doing something with body paint expressing my love for boobs, or my sign idea, "Ron Jeremy, Master Debater, he'll do it all night long". So anyways I went and I was not disappointed. The greasy little sex god indeed sat before me and spoke of his art. His oppenent accused his work as filth and not art. And I thought that art is something you create, sometimes with your hands, sometimes with other parts of the body, so POINT RON. So anyways Ron kept laying into her and most of the student body was on his side. (student body, hahaha, porn, hahahah, ok I feel better) Anyways, how did a hairy sweaty midget become the biggest Male sex symbol. I might not be big in the looks department, but the man has been in over 1700 adult films. And as a student in the school that Little Jeremy built, I must stop to wonder, How in the hell is he attractive. And then I realized it. The porn producers must have realized if everyone saw this little hairy guy getting it done so often then we should all feel confident that eventually we will all get that one nurse who gives us "extra care", or that one teacher that you needed you to do some "extra Credit", or maybe that crappy summer job you had dilevering Pizzas would finally pay off, leading to the classic, "there's got to be some way my openminded roomate and I could pay for all this Pizza." Well no matter what the reason Mr. Jeremy has reached the status of sexual Tyranasuar, and that should be respected. Many young American males, myself included would salute him, but well you get the idea, idel hands and all.

Life is rough if your a coyote

Wile E Coyote, what a poor bastard, the other day my roomates and I had a long discussion about cartoons and I thought he was the worst off. But now when think about it, he can't be that bad off. Yeah he has never caught the Road Runner, and I am sure that has to bother him, but at least he has a purpose in life. And he's got to be rich right, how else would you be able to order that many rockets and anvils. Acme Shipping is really cleaning up on that same day dilevery shit way out in the desert. How can he afford it, well I figure it's one of two things. Issurance fraud is my first guess. With all those accidents where he falls of a cliff, gets hit by a truck, or crushed by a boulder I assume his insurance settlements are through the roof. That or it's a government sponsered job to help thin out the Road Runner Population. Some ridiculous program started in the 60's that just never got cancelled. I assume it's the latter and he has acess to a goverment health plan, I mean talk about fast recovery, the little guy has to be in and out of the hospital at least two or three times a day. So next time you are sitting on your couch watching him get tossed off a 300 foot cliff by a rocket, and followed by 5 of the biggest rocks you have ever seen, smile on the inside, because that's your tax dollars at work.

People look at me funny sometimes when I do things that I admit aren't normal, but I have my reasonable.... reasons. Like today I was washing my shoes because they got dirty while hiking. My brain works like this,
SHOES = Dirty
SHOES = Clothes
WASHING MACHINE = Clean Clothes
How can I make SHOES = clean, well I used the reflexive and distrubative theroms and came up with SHOES in WASHING MACHINE=CLEAN. Hell yeah, so I kick those monsters off and hucked em into the wash. One of the RA's in our common rooms looked at me like she was disgusted with the thought of my beastly shoes spinning around in the same place where her clothes get clean. I imagine my underwear are just as dirty as my shoes and that doesn't bother most people. It will now though, I just got my own washer. Anyways in a few minutes I am going to get my soaking wet shoes out of the Washer. And then I am going to do another load of spoons and forks, Improvised dishwashers.

Requirements to go to UPG: Female

Today I was wondering what was up with the girls here on Campus, and knowing my crazy tiger like sexuality (ok more like old house cat like sexuality) I was wondering why none of them seemed to even care. About this time I realized that to go here at University of Pittsburg at Greensburg the girls had to fill out a different form with different requirements. Yeah the whole grade transcripts and SAT bullshit is the same, but they must have a different application then the penis endowed do. There's must go something like. Do you have a current Boyfriend at your highschool or back home? (Yes/No), If so, Could you go visit him every weekend leaving campus deserted? (Yes/No), If the Answer to #1 is a No, Would you be willing to make amends with an old boyfriend just to stick it to all the guys on campus? (Yes/No), Would you be willing to bring up your boyfriend in everyday conversation just for spite? (Yes/No) If not, would you just sigh whenever something reminds you of him? (Yes/No), To all Upper Classmen: If you are single do you smoke, Would you be willing to start and continue CONSTANTLY to totally disgust most people on Campus? Notice Occasional smoking is not an option, must be chain. (Yes/No) Thank you for applying and helping to stick it to our incoming freshman guys.

Seriously it seems like all the girls are just here to frustrate us. I hope I am wrong, Please GOD let me be wrong, if you are a girl and some how passed the screening exams, and want to hang out let me know, UNIVERSITY COURTS C-001 Ext. 9977. Just kidding I am having a great time dealing with it all, and frustrated or not, my hand always puts out, because if I am in the mood, SO AM I.

Creepy thoughts

Now a college student, (you may notice a decrease in the amount of grammar errors, probably not) I like to party. And while laying in some level of sobering-upness, I wondered did my parents party. The answer of course is yes, Yes they did, and Yes, Yes they still do. But then I think of the things I do at parties or specifically after the party, like wander around drunk and when the spirits move me, vomit in communal showers. Did my parents act like this. Well maybe not in showers for say, but in my experience, Yes they do stager around and yes they do throw up on random things, That thought is nothing though compared to the one that unfortunately crossed my mind next. Did My GrandParents Party. Take a minute. Take a Breath. Get a glass of water, you will need it for what is coming your way. Ok finish your drink, no don't gulp it down like that, that's a good way to get indigestion, god. Anyways, for me personally I know that at one time way back in the land of Wind and Fire, just after the Dinosaurs, that yes my grandparents did infact party. But when I think of them partying I don't think of young grand parents, I think more along the lines of them now a days partying. I see my grandma up on a table swinging around listening to the newest Jock Jams CD. And in the Corner my Grandpa slamming down 5 shots in a row, grabbing the old lady by the legs and helping her do a keg stand. This really disturbs me, but when I think about it even more I get to a point when it gets so disturbing it gets funny again. And think about the end of a party, if shit hits the fan, the cops come and everyone runs away. Think of your respective grandparent high-tailing out of some kid's basement (or handicap asscesable living room) Out in to the back yard, trying to jump the fence, falling, breaking hips, or dragging along an I V bag or Oxygen as tank as they haul ass down some back street. Even funnier think about your granny with a fake ID trying to get in a club or score some booze. How about your gramps with a bunch of his friends at a toga party. Hmmm I wonder is the depends would be covered by a toga. DON'T TRY TO FIGURE THAT OUT, you will just want to stab a Q-tip into your Brain to end the Nightmares. So next time your out parting just think about what your doing and imagine yourself being old, you won't be able to stop laughing, that or stop drinking, either way it will make the night memorable (except if it's drinking, you won't remember shit)

Movin In

Everything is going awesome here at college. There is so much going on, my roomates are decently cool, we have Me, Nick Rodgers ( a friend from camp that I worked with), Crosscountry Joe (the boy loves to run, cross country suprisingly enough), and last, but first in my heart, Jimmy, my new found perverted pal. Jimmy is like me, but from Hickville Pa. And the rest of you had prayed that there wouldn't be two. Silly silly people. Anyways back to other stuff.

Some people at my college are complete ass clowns. Apparently some of them escaped the rigors of High School. DAmmit. Some kid today drove by in his beat ass BMW. He was trying to show off, but not only did his car sound as bad and my grammar, but he missed 3rd gear as he tried to burn some old guy that just happened to be at the light, probably going to return himself to the Old Folks Home. Another guy bitched because we had to stand in the drizzle waiting for our final ceremony. He was worried his shoes were going to get wet and then SMUDGED. DUH DUH DUH, not smudged. not his perfectly white shoes. that will obviously get dirty eventually.

Watching Super Troopers
OH SHIT I GOT YOU GOOD, YOU FUCKER

Girl Bands are Dreamy

Why chick bands are hot. I love a girl that can sing. I am completely taken by this one band called "Go Betty Go". I heard them on the Warped Tour CD. For some reason they weren't at Hershey, but the song on the CD is just too awesome. Anyways for some reason any girl who can play an instrument, or sing that good is automatically hot. Like Monique Powel from Save Ferris, her voice makes her even hotter. Anyways, listen to girl punk/ska bands and let me know if I am the only one who thinks it's hot. (that was mostly for the guys but if you ladies want to try this go ahead, yes go ahead, yeah just like that, uh huh, don't stop.) I needed a little bit of the old Jon Blog style at the end. go to Gobettygo.com and check it out if you like the music.

Bad News Everybody

I went to the doctor the other day for a physical and after he ran all the tests (even the ridiculous ones where he hits you with the hammer on the knee, reflex test my ass, they just like hitting people with pointy hammers.) Anyways he sat me down in my little paper robe. On the butcher block, why is there a role of paper that he can just tear off like a meat packing plant, Why does he need to change it so fast he had to rip the old one away, was there blood and semen on there before I got there. So after I was all set he said I have some bad news for you, He told me I had cooties. He said I apparently contracted them between 2nd and 5th grade, and they just laid dormant until recently. I didn't know what to say, and he told me that while dormant it was still possible to spread cooties, so I would need to contact everyone I had kissed from Elementry School on. That was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make, even harder than that one time I had to call that guy about the crabs. Anyways I fuffilled my responsabilities and now I am taking an experemental drug for treatment. It's called Cootox, and it's really all about staying one step ahead of the cooties, but the doctor has given me hope that I may continue living healthly, healththly, healthfully, anyways living well for at least say 900 more years. You can send your cards and money to: "Jon Hawkins laziness for a cure"
548 Main St.
Bressler PA 17113

THIS JUST IN: Blog Returns from the Dead

Back by popular demand, An old Blog, But a good blog . The other day when looking on a friends computer I found a file entitled "Tonya Harding's wedding night". This file didn't disgust me in any way, seriously I like porn, but more importantly it made me think about why anyone would tape sex. Let me refraise that. Why would anyone who is not a paid professional (god rest their souls) want to watch a video of themselves banging. There is quite a few celebrites who have made THE TAPE. If you are in the public eye, you shouldn't make a video unless you want it to be downloaded by every guy just like me. And if your not a celebrity then your kids are just going to find it and then they will be compelled to blind themselves. Why would you want to tape that anyways, are you going to review it afterward. Sit down with a pencil and notepad and take notes? Well if you are going to, why not step up to the professional level and get John Madden to sit in on the viewing. I am sure he won't mind. He can have a sharpie to draw on the screen. Imagine big John Madden sketching little X's and O's on your partner's nipples. And if your going that far you might as well have a ref to supervise the proceedings. Some one to make sure things don't get out of hand (bad joke I know). He could have a little striped uniform and he could throw a condom for a flag if there is a penelty. Penelty during sex? you ask, WHAAAAA?Yeah there is lots of problems that could be prevented, including but not limited to, interferance, personal foul, incroachment, and if your into that sorta thing, Face mask.If you have already committed the terrible crime of taping yourself fornicate, then there is help, if you have a tape and don't know what do with it (I assume you have reviewed it and have found that John Madden was very helpful) send it to me and I will take a look and give you my official ruling if you should make a career out of it.

I am going to miss all of my friends when I leave, so if I haven't told you that, then I probably hate you and hope you die a terrible death of writhing pain that lasts for a thousand days, every morning you get up and plead for death, but the grim reaper refuses to show his bony ass to take your pittiless soul. Just kidding if I haven't told you I was going to miss you then I have just been so busy telling my important friends how much I am not going to miss you at all. Infact I was just over with the cool people at the local hangout and we were saying about how little we were going to miss the people I hadn't said goodbye too. Ok well that's not true either, but really if I didn't take the time to let you know what you meant to me it's because I have been busy doing stuff, like cutting grass, packing, pretending to be busy online, basically anything to avoid talking to you, hell I even organized my dogs toys alphabetically and then by size and color. Also not true, In all honestly if you haven't seen me it's probably a combination of all three.

Ok lets start over then,

I am going to miss you all even if I didn't get to tell you in person, trust me you all mean more to me then I could ever tell you anyways. Except for you Dwight I can sum that up in about 2 words. Butt Buddy.
Look for new posts from College, they will sound smarter, and stuff.

Avdice: not on spelling

Some people ask me "Do you have any advice before you go?" that or "Does your family own a shower?" the answer to both of those suprisingly enough is a Yes. My advice is very simple and I have 3 dolups of it to dish out, so grab your forks and dig into this.
First:
"If you can avoid being an Ass, do that."
sometimes I wish I would have followed my own advice looking back, but it's still a good one to keep in mind.

Second:
"Have Fun, but only at your expense."
Life is lived best when you are happy, so have fun, but don't ruin other peoples fun to add to your own. It's just a simple rule that I need to parctice sometimes too

Third:
"Don't drink and drive."
It's really hard to do, and unless you have had enough practice you could seriously injure your self, car, friends, family, enemies, local congressmenesses, Animals of all varities, and most importantly my Tracker.

Forth:
"Don't tell people that your giving them 3 things and give them 4, it really makes them mad especially if the last one is worthless and a bad attempt at a doomerd joke trying to salvage a moderately funny joke." it's just comon courtesy.

Work Sucks, Go Home, She Left Me Nothing by the Stairs

Tonight at work I am doing my normal routine. I get here around 6:30 so I can let the Karate guy in early. He goes down to the basement and is down there alone for a half hour, I think he's stroking his Chee or something. Anyways Then I wait till the rest of the Jr. Ninjas to arrive. Then the UberNinja comes up and makes small talk, I just know while he's talking to me he is distracting me from the Jr. Ninjas spreading throughout the building. Then he goes down stairs and the baseball folks start ariving. I know they spend time with 8-14 year old kids, but I didn't think they had to act like them. Tonight they got in an argument in the lobby about one kid stealing 2nd base a month ago and how the call could have been wrong, and at the end of the arguement the one guy looked at the other one and said, "Whatever, Don't sit next to me tonight, I don't want to talk to you". I felt like I should have stood up and said, "Now Boys, that's not how we do things in the 5th grade. Now shake hands and appologize or I am keeping you in for recess." Damn I miss tether ball. That game was awesome, that and kickball. I loved that you had to make a rule at the begining of the games to limit the actions of the other team. "Ok guys you can steal bases, but only if we can Cherry Bomb." or, "Ok you can kick first but only if I get unlimited repitch." or in tetherball, a personal favorite that still makes me laugh today. "No Monkey dunking."
Monkey Dunking sounds like a bad sexual position. Like Flaming Dragon. If you are lucky enough to know what that one is keep it to yourself. Someday I want a sexual position named after me, (kinda hard to do being me and all, but who knows) I want to join the ranks of the mysterious Mr. Sanchez and the always interesting Hot Carl. When you think about it it can't be too hard to get one, or else how did the missionaires get one, they are mostly holy men and somehow they got the basic one. Anyways I was thinking about calling the Slippery Hawkins Innerthigh Tango. Or the SHIT for short. Shit for short I like that too. Anyways back to where I started I am still at work, listening to music and writing my blog. As soon as Jr, ninjas lets out I will go and get the 4th graders to go home, because it will be well past their Bedtime.

2 days and I am gone so....
"To Hell with you and all your Friends"

Today I took a road trip to Baltimore with my family. On the way we made a rest stop because my mom and I had to pee. This happens occasionally to all guys so I don't feel embarassed to say I had some preformance anxiety. That's right I couldn't make it go. Not that the 250lbs of hairy trucker less than 8 inches away was a huge help. At the risk of sounding gay (see Reasons I can't be gay) I think they should redo mens bathrooms giving us a little more room. I think any closer than 2 feet apart and I should get a divider. nothing huge, I don't need a stall, but something that will block from nipple to mid thigh height. Ladies (I know there is throngs of you reading this because I alter my writings to highlight many femine qualities, like one time I said breasts instead of boobies) If you have never been in a guys bathroom go one time, and look how close things are together, I admit you would need to get rid of one or two urinals, but I would gladly wait another 30 seconds for a little elbow room.

AVP Vs. ANYTHING, Winner: ANYTHING

I'm standing with the rank and file
while I'm marching with the underground

I saw AVP tonight. If I had payed for it I might have demanded my money back. That or stole some stuff on the way out, yeah that would have been sexy, crazy sexy. Anyways that movie was complete CRAP. Campy. Retarded. Aliens. and Predators. Ok if that doesn't explain it, then think about that last thing I did with the letters of Crap, yeah that is how bad the movie is. I will give you this. Here you go, There was some good violence, but any movie bearing the name either Alien or Predator should only be rated R. I demand more random murders, more blood, and especially more cool ass Predator shit. What good is being invisible, having lasers, and sharp metal stuffs if you help a human and let her (yes I said her) help you. If you go to the theaters in the next few weeks, that smell is not moldy popcorn or leavings from a very sick little kid, no it's the foul festering funk of AVP.

I give it No stars. No thumbs and no chocolate marshmallow filled bunnies.

LOSER, Maybe not

A few days ago I was called a loser for not knowing internet slang. Now I may be a loser, and I have been called that by many people for many reasons. But I have reached the eight circle of loser hell if I can be considered a loser by someone who is adept at speeking nerd. Honestly if I didn't know what your random ass letters and numbers meant, GOOD the time you spent learning that I was either outstide enjoying life or looking up porn enjoying ....myself. Either way it was something fun or productive, From this day forward I will never use any more internet slang! no U=YOU no LOL= lick old ladies no btw=between. Those are just a few peices of crap that AOL jammed down our throaths. (don't confuse my rampant misspelling and ingnored punctuations as slang, it's not that I don't want to write gooder I just can't.) Anyways to sum it all up.

SEALAB 2021=Good
as
Internet Slang=Vomitous

My Beef with Canada

Neighbors to the North, or Traitors of the Tundra. Frosty Frozen Friends, or Sryup Sucking....suckers. I just don't trust that open border shit. We closed the ways to Mexico and now they are risking life and limb to get here. Why do we treat Canada so good. Between us we have the longest unprotected border in the world. I say we use this and amass troops along the border. One day with out so much as an Eh? to the Border Patrol we will just plow through and start knocking crap over and littering. Honestly what kind of self respecting country has a maple leaf on the flag. At least use your animal mascot; the beaver. Personally I wouldn't hate Canada so much if they had a nice big beaver on their flag. hmmmm beaver. Anyways, When we are up there knocking stuff over and littering, the people at home will be minting quarters for the new Maple Leaf State, and making millions of mounty uniforms. When our victory is secured we will release the quarters, spelling instant state hood for the doomed home of hockey. And after it is all written down somewhere (Maybe in the Constitution or so) then we make all of the 51st state a national park and force the entire population to dress like mounties and be nice to American Tourists. Sryup sucking suckers.

THE POPE = DOPE

Lots of people bad mouth the pope. And that is upsetting because the pope is the coolest guy ever. First off he has his own country. Who else has that, George Bush, and look how he handles it. Seriously the queen even sucks at having her own country. Plus his country can go by Vatican City II or the more popular movie title sounding V2. V2 sounds like he is going to muff someone up with a huge gun. Still not convinced, look at that badass hat, what the hell is he hiding in there, what ever it is, it sure is big.....and pointy. You could put a big machine gun there. with lots of ammo. V2 the popes revenge. OK are you still not convinced then this last half ass arguement will surely make you indifferent. He has his own Mobile right. Who else has that, Batman that's right, Batman has the Bat Mobile and the pope has his mobile. The popemobile is pure hottness. And you just can't stop us Catholics. We don't believe in Birth Control so we just keep reproducing.

Why I can't be gay

Other than the obvious reasons of my obsession with boobies (they are just so awesome) and my love for anything vagina, I realize that I can't be gay because I don't fit any of the gay stereotypes. And that is how we identify ourselves. I know I am a Limey Mic because I love drinking and shamrocks as well as ridiculous soccer matches and drinking. Anyways I am obviously no the fashionalbe gay man (I like to point to say a Queer Eye Homosexual classification) I am not the Bear, the big hair one, I am just not hairy enough. I don't really like shopping or theater, I am not old and creepy ( I am only 18 wait a while). I am not clean and neat, I am not a trucker or a big fat biker, and I don't go to the YMCA. I don't weight lift ridiculously, and I surely don't enjoy Dressing up as a women (in public, what I do in my room is my business.) Although I do want to be a cop, I will never dress up like one while I am off duty, that also goes for construction worker, sailor, Indian or cowboy. I refuse to think guys on TV are cute, except Donald Rumsfeld, He is a sexual Tyranasaur. that and most importantly my butt, (I know your all having flashbacks of moonings, pressed hams, rude awakenings, and turkey Gobbles) Is a one way street, anbd that is a traffic law I intend to obey. After reading this if you feel that I am being racist toward homosexuals than you are very wrong, it is a list not of hate, but of reasons why I can't join their prestigious club, so stop calling me.

Holy Rusted Metal Batman

So I says to myself, I says: Self, what are you missing in life?, and Then I said: I don't really know self, but if you can find something to patch the burning hole in myself then let me know, And then I said to myself: We discussed that you should fill that hole with some flesh, maybe a few organs and then cover it in skin. Oh yeah, I replied to myself, Then I got tough on myself and finally got the answer to my original question (not what is that smell?) I was missing my ability to run piss poor jokes into the ground and force my friends to enjoy it.

Tonight I got jipped out of a show. A group of local bands was supposed to play a no cover all age show at a local establishment. After a few disputes about when the show started, we concluded that it was at 9:30, but I met Dwight and Christine there at 8:30. Thankfully the dynamic duo of Baskin Robins/Dunken Donuts was open and had no problems with suppling us with some delactable treats. Anyways we went back to see if the show had progressed and the answer was a resounding NOSIR. The place was not packed with a trong of teenagers clamoring to hear the shhhweet music of local bands who occasionally produce mildly unbitter music. Instead it was full of an old guy telling us no one had showed, and a few empty beer bottles (they should clean those up, some one in flipflops might have a toe cutting problem) SO the whole night was a bust, athought it was cool to see Dwight and Christine and the outside of a dart deserted resturant. Also Ice Cream was involved. And we know how that makes me feel, Cold and Creamy with Chocolate smeared all over my face.

ASK ME ABOUT: the lake, it was awesome so ask me

DON'T ASK ME ABOUT: getting ready for school (I want to go so bad, I just don't wanna clean my room out)


Whatever you do, DON't...