Movin In

Everything is going awesome here at college. There is so much going on, my roomates are decently cool, we have Me, Nick Rodgers ( a friend from camp that I worked with), Crosscountry Joe (the boy loves to run, cross country suprisingly enough), and last, but first in my heart, Jimmy, my new found perverted pal. Jimmy is like me, but from Hickville Pa. And the rest of you had prayed that there wouldn't be two. Silly silly people. Anyways back to other stuff.

Some people at my college are complete ass clowns. Apparently some of them escaped the rigors of High School. DAmmit. Some kid today drove by in his beat ass BMW. He was trying to show off, but not only did his car sound as bad and my grammar, but he missed 3rd gear as he tried to burn some old guy that just happened to be at the light, probably going to return himself to the Old Folks Home. Another guy bitched because we had to stand in the drizzle waiting for our final ceremony. He was worried his shoes were going to get wet and then SMUDGED. DUH DUH DUH, not smudged. not his perfectly white shoes. that will obviously get dirty eventually.

Watching Super Troopers
OH SHIT I GOT YOU GOOD, YOU FUCKER

Girl Bands are Dreamy

Why chick bands are hot. I love a girl that can sing. I am completely taken by this one band called "Go Betty Go". I heard them on the Warped Tour CD. For some reason they weren't at Hershey, but the song on the CD is just too awesome. Anyways for some reason any girl who can play an instrument, or sing that good is automatically hot. Like Monique Powel from Save Ferris, her voice makes her even hotter. Anyways, listen to girl punk/ska bands and let me know if I am the only one who thinks it's hot. (that was mostly for the guys but if you ladies want to try this go ahead, yes go ahead, yeah just like that, uh huh, don't stop.) I needed a little bit of the old Jon Blog style at the end. go to Gobettygo.com and check it out if you like the music.

Bad News Everybody

I went to the doctor the other day for a physical and after he ran all the tests (even the ridiculous ones where he hits you with the hammer on the knee, reflex test my ass, they just like hitting people with pointy hammers.) Anyways he sat me down in my little paper robe. On the butcher block, why is there a role of paper that he can just tear off like a meat packing plant, Why does he need to change it so fast he had to rip the old one away, was there blood and semen on there before I got there. So after I was all set he said I have some bad news for you, He told me I had cooties. He said I apparently contracted them between 2nd and 5th grade, and they just laid dormant until recently. I didn't know what to say, and he told me that while dormant it was still possible to spread cooties, so I would need to contact everyone I had kissed from Elementry School on. That was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make, even harder than that one time I had to call that guy about the crabs. Anyways I fuffilled my responsabilities and now I am taking an experemental drug for treatment. It's called Cootox, and it's really all about staying one step ahead of the cooties, but the doctor has given me hope that I may continue living healthly, healththly, healthfully, anyways living well for at least say 900 more years. You can send your cards and money to: "Jon Hawkins laziness for a cure"
548 Main St.
Bressler PA 17113

THIS JUST IN: Blog Returns from the Dead

Back by popular demand, An old Blog, But a good blog . The other day when looking on a friends computer I found a file entitled "Tonya Harding's wedding night". This file didn't disgust me in any way, seriously I like porn, but more importantly it made me think about why anyone would tape sex. Let me refraise that. Why would anyone who is not a paid professional (god rest their souls) want to watch a video of themselves banging. There is quite a few celebrites who have made THE TAPE. If you are in the public eye, you shouldn't make a video unless you want it to be downloaded by every guy just like me. And if your not a celebrity then your kids are just going to find it and then they will be compelled to blind themselves. Why would you want to tape that anyways, are you going to review it afterward. Sit down with a pencil and notepad and take notes? Well if you are going to, why not step up to the professional level and get John Madden to sit in on the viewing. I am sure he won't mind. He can have a sharpie to draw on the screen. Imagine big John Madden sketching little X's and O's on your partner's nipples. And if your going that far you might as well have a ref to supervise the proceedings. Some one to make sure things don't get out of hand (bad joke I know). He could have a little striped uniform and he could throw a condom for a flag if there is a penelty. Penelty during sex? you ask, WHAAAAA?Yeah there is lots of problems that could be prevented, including but not limited to, interferance, personal foul, incroachment, and if your into that sorta thing, Face mask.If you have already committed the terrible crime of taping yourself fornicate, then there is help, if you have a tape and don't know what do with it (I assume you have reviewed it and have found that John Madden was very helpful) send it to me and I will take a look and give you my official ruling if you should make a career out of it.

I am going to miss all of my friends when I leave, so if I haven't told you that, then I probably hate you and hope you die a terrible death of writhing pain that lasts for a thousand days, every morning you get up and plead for death, but the grim reaper refuses to show his bony ass to take your pittiless soul. Just kidding if I haven't told you I was going to miss you then I have just been so busy telling my important friends how much I am not going to miss you at all. Infact I was just over with the cool people at the local hangout and we were saying about how little we were going to miss the people I hadn't said goodbye too. Ok well that's not true either, but really if I didn't take the time to let you know what you meant to me it's because I have been busy doing stuff, like cutting grass, packing, pretending to be busy online, basically anything to avoid talking to you, hell I even organized my dogs toys alphabetically and then by size and color. Also not true, In all honestly if you haven't seen me it's probably a combination of all three.

Ok lets start over then,

I am going to miss you all even if I didn't get to tell you in person, trust me you all mean more to me then I could ever tell you anyways. Except for you Dwight I can sum that up in about 2 words. Butt Buddy.
Look for new posts from College, they will sound smarter, and stuff.

Avdice: not on spelling

Some people ask me "Do you have any advice before you go?" that or "Does your family own a shower?" the answer to both of those suprisingly enough is a Yes. My advice is very simple and I have 3 dolups of it to dish out, so grab your forks and dig into this.
First:
"If you can avoid being an Ass, do that."
sometimes I wish I would have followed my own advice looking back, but it's still a good one to keep in mind.

Second:
"Have Fun, but only at your expense."
Life is lived best when you are happy, so have fun, but don't ruin other peoples fun to add to your own. It's just a simple rule that I need to parctice sometimes too

Third:
"Don't drink and drive."
It's really hard to do, and unless you have had enough practice you could seriously injure your self, car, friends, family, enemies, local congressmenesses, Animals of all varities, and most importantly my Tracker.

Forth:
"Don't tell people that your giving them 3 things and give them 4, it really makes them mad especially if the last one is worthless and a bad attempt at a doomerd joke trying to salvage a moderately funny joke." it's just comon courtesy.

Work Sucks, Go Home, She Left Me Nothing by the Stairs

Tonight at work I am doing my normal routine. I get here around 6:30 so I can let the Karate guy in early. He goes down to the basement and is down there alone for a half hour, I think he's stroking his Chee or something. Anyways Then I wait till the rest of the Jr. Ninjas to arrive. Then the UberNinja comes up and makes small talk, I just know while he's talking to me he is distracting me from the Jr. Ninjas spreading throughout the building. Then he goes down stairs and the baseball folks start ariving. I know they spend time with 8-14 year old kids, but I didn't think they had to act like them. Tonight they got in an argument in the lobby about one kid stealing 2nd base a month ago and how the call could have been wrong, and at the end of the arguement the one guy looked at the other one and said, "Whatever, Don't sit next to me tonight, I don't want to talk to you". I felt like I should have stood up and said, "Now Boys, that's not how we do things in the 5th grade. Now shake hands and appologize or I am keeping you in for recess." Damn I miss tether ball. That game was awesome, that and kickball. I loved that you had to make a rule at the begining of the games to limit the actions of the other team. "Ok guys you can steal bases, but only if we can Cherry Bomb." or, "Ok you can kick first but only if I get unlimited repitch." or in tetherball, a personal favorite that still makes me laugh today. "No Monkey dunking."
Monkey Dunking sounds like a bad sexual position. Like Flaming Dragon. If you are lucky enough to know what that one is keep it to yourself. Someday I want a sexual position named after me, (kinda hard to do being me and all, but who knows) I want to join the ranks of the mysterious Mr. Sanchez and the always interesting Hot Carl. When you think about it it can't be too hard to get one, or else how did the missionaires get one, they are mostly holy men and somehow they got the basic one. Anyways I was thinking about calling the Slippery Hawkins Innerthigh Tango. Or the SHIT for short. Shit for short I like that too. Anyways back to where I started I am still at work, listening to music and writing my blog. As soon as Jr, ninjas lets out I will go and get the 4th graders to go home, because it will be well past their Bedtime.

2 days and I am gone so....
"To Hell with you and all your Friends"

Today I took a road trip to Baltimore with my family. On the way we made a rest stop because my mom and I had to pee. This happens occasionally to all guys so I don't feel embarassed to say I had some preformance anxiety. That's right I couldn't make it go. Not that the 250lbs of hairy trucker less than 8 inches away was a huge help. At the risk of sounding gay (see Reasons I can't be gay) I think they should redo mens bathrooms giving us a little more room. I think any closer than 2 feet apart and I should get a divider. nothing huge, I don't need a stall, but something that will block from nipple to mid thigh height. Ladies (I know there is throngs of you reading this because I alter my writings to highlight many femine qualities, like one time I said breasts instead of boobies) If you have never been in a guys bathroom go one time, and look how close things are together, I admit you would need to get rid of one or two urinals, but I would gladly wait another 30 seconds for a little elbow room.

AVP Vs. ANYTHING, Winner: ANYTHING

I'm standing with the rank and file
while I'm marching with the underground

I saw AVP tonight. If I had payed for it I might have demanded my money back. That or stole some stuff on the way out, yeah that would have been sexy, crazy sexy. Anyways that movie was complete CRAP. Campy. Retarded. Aliens. and Predators. Ok if that doesn't explain it, then think about that last thing I did with the letters of Crap, yeah that is how bad the movie is. I will give you this. Here you go, There was some good violence, but any movie bearing the name either Alien or Predator should only be rated R. I demand more random murders, more blood, and especially more cool ass Predator shit. What good is being invisible, having lasers, and sharp metal stuffs if you help a human and let her (yes I said her) help you. If you go to the theaters in the next few weeks, that smell is not moldy popcorn or leavings from a very sick little kid, no it's the foul festering funk of AVP.

I give it No stars. No thumbs and no chocolate marshmallow filled bunnies.

LOSER, Maybe not

A few days ago I was called a loser for not knowing internet slang. Now I may be a loser, and I have been called that by many people for many reasons. But I have reached the eight circle of loser hell if I can be considered a loser by someone who is adept at speeking nerd. Honestly if I didn't know what your random ass letters and numbers meant, GOOD the time you spent learning that I was either outstide enjoying life or looking up porn enjoying ....myself. Either way it was something fun or productive, From this day forward I will never use any more internet slang! no U=YOU no LOL= lick old ladies no btw=between. Those are just a few peices of crap that AOL jammed down our throaths. (don't confuse my rampant misspelling and ingnored punctuations as slang, it's not that I don't want to write gooder I just can't.) Anyways to sum it all up.

SEALAB 2021=Good
as
Internet Slang=Vomitous

My Beef with Canada

Neighbors to the North, or Traitors of the Tundra. Frosty Frozen Friends, or Sryup Sucking....suckers. I just don't trust that open border shit. We closed the ways to Mexico and now they are risking life and limb to get here. Why do we treat Canada so good. Between us we have the longest unprotected border in the world. I say we use this and amass troops along the border. One day with out so much as an Eh? to the Border Patrol we will just plow through and start knocking crap over and littering. Honestly what kind of self respecting country has a maple leaf on the flag. At least use your animal mascot; the beaver. Personally I wouldn't hate Canada so much if they had a nice big beaver on their flag. hmmmm beaver. Anyways, When we are up there knocking stuff over and littering, the people at home will be minting quarters for the new Maple Leaf State, and making millions of mounty uniforms. When our victory is secured we will release the quarters, spelling instant state hood for the doomed home of hockey. And after it is all written down somewhere (Maybe in the Constitution or so) then we make all of the 51st state a national park and force the entire population to dress like mounties and be nice to American Tourists. Sryup sucking suckers.

THE POPE = DOPE

Lots of people bad mouth the pope. And that is upsetting because the pope is the coolest guy ever. First off he has his own country. Who else has that, George Bush, and look how he handles it. Seriously the queen even sucks at having her own country. Plus his country can go by Vatican City II or the more popular movie title sounding V2. V2 sounds like he is going to muff someone up with a huge gun. Still not convinced, look at that badass hat, what the hell is he hiding in there, what ever it is, it sure is big.....and pointy. You could put a big machine gun there. with lots of ammo. V2 the popes revenge. OK are you still not convinced then this last half ass arguement will surely make you indifferent. He has his own Mobile right. Who else has that, Batman that's right, Batman has the Bat Mobile and the pope has his mobile. The popemobile is pure hottness. And you just can't stop us Catholics. We don't believe in Birth Control so we just keep reproducing.

Why I can't be gay

Other than the obvious reasons of my obsession with boobies (they are just so awesome) and my love for anything vagina, I realize that I can't be gay because I don't fit any of the gay stereotypes. And that is how we identify ourselves. I know I am a Limey Mic because I love drinking and shamrocks as well as ridiculous soccer matches and drinking. Anyways I am obviously no the fashionalbe gay man (I like to point to say a Queer Eye Homosexual classification) I am not the Bear, the big hair one, I am just not hairy enough. I don't really like shopping or theater, I am not old and creepy ( I am only 18 wait a while). I am not clean and neat, I am not a trucker or a big fat biker, and I don't go to the YMCA. I don't weight lift ridiculously, and I surely don't enjoy Dressing up as a women (in public, what I do in my room is my business.) Although I do want to be a cop, I will never dress up like one while I am off duty, that also goes for construction worker, sailor, Indian or cowboy. I refuse to think guys on TV are cute, except Donald Rumsfeld, He is a sexual Tyranasaur. that and most importantly my butt, (I know your all having flashbacks of moonings, pressed hams, rude awakenings, and turkey Gobbles) Is a one way street, anbd that is a traffic law I intend to obey. After reading this if you feel that I am being racist toward homosexuals than you are very wrong, it is a list not of hate, but of reasons why I can't join their prestigious club, so stop calling me.

Holy Rusted Metal Batman

So I says to myself, I says: Self, what are you missing in life?, and Then I said: I don't really know self, but if you can find something to patch the burning hole in myself then let me know, And then I said to myself: We discussed that you should fill that hole with some flesh, maybe a few organs and then cover it in skin. Oh yeah, I replied to myself, Then I got tough on myself and finally got the answer to my original question (not what is that smell?) I was missing my ability to run piss poor jokes into the ground and force my friends to enjoy it.

Tonight I got jipped out of a show. A group of local bands was supposed to play a no cover all age show at a local establishment. After a few disputes about when the show started, we concluded that it was at 9:30, but I met Dwight and Christine there at 8:30. Thankfully the dynamic duo of Baskin Robins/Dunken Donuts was open and had no problems with suppling us with some delactable treats. Anyways we went back to see if the show had progressed and the answer was a resounding NOSIR. The place was not packed with a trong of teenagers clamoring to hear the shhhweet music of local bands who occasionally produce mildly unbitter music. Instead it was full of an old guy telling us no one had showed, and a few empty beer bottles (they should clean those up, some one in flipflops might have a toe cutting problem) SO the whole night was a bust, athought it was cool to see Dwight and Christine and the outside of a dart deserted resturant. Also Ice Cream was involved. And we know how that makes me feel, Cold and Creamy with Chocolate smeared all over my face.

ASK ME ABOUT: the lake, it was awesome so ask me

DON'T ASK ME ABOUT: getting ready for school (I want to go so bad, I just don't wanna clean my room out)


Whatever you do, DON't...