This blog has a disclamer.

If you are above the age of 13 (mentally), find the topic of poop offensive, consider yourself mature, or have chronic dermatosis; you may not want to contiue reading this blog. (If you have dermatosis, theres nothing this blog can do for you. Medicated Gold Bond Powder is your only hope)

With further ado I present the poop blog:

A blog so childish I actually wrote it in those thick crayons you got in kindergarden

A blog so smelly that if you have recently invented something to smell the internet with, you would have to turn it off, or at least down

A blog challengeing the length of my average readers patience with overblown introductions.

FURTHER ADO!

Now without further ado, here it is

Recently I took what could quite possibly be the best poop I have taken in a long time, It lasted about 15 pages (The quantum value of a poop is measured in the amount you can read) and yeilded quite an impressive load. But after I finished I had a large problem, I had seen the poop and it was good, but no one else had seen the poop, so you could all think I was just very sick and making this up. Well I am very sick, but this is a true poop. I needed a witness to this masterpiece of waste. I needed a friend good enough to have admire the poop and vouch for it, if the question arrises. I have such a freind, but he was 300 miles away, and while it looked like a good poop I wasn't letting it ferment for a few hours. I think we all need to look into our lives and find those special people who can be our waste witnesses.
Another important poop topic that I have been wondering about is what is the correct size for a stool sample. I have heard many comedians talking about making a urine sample at the doctor, but how much poop do you fork over. (wow, never say fork over in a poop blog) And for that matter how do they expect me to poop on command when I have trouble peeing when some one is whistling in the backround. Is it a take home test? And if it is does it include one of those aquarium nets to help with the extraction of the sample. (extraction out of the toilet bowl, god I all I ask for is a little maturity when talking about poop) And if you do take it home do you have to keep it cold or does shit keep? Now I am wondering the shelf life of a turd, (consider that it is already as bad as it's going to get, also don't put poop on shelves, it's not good for decorating and it won't match your carpet, unless....)
At work the other day I went to use the bathroom and was shocked to find someones shit stewing in the bowl. I know sometimes I forget to flush, but have the common curtesy to do it in a public place. We are not all your poop wittnessing buddies. If I go into a public bathroom and find some floaters and sinkers, I specificly don't wittness it, because that pooper is not the kind of person I want to vouch for later. I look the other way and kick the flusher. But this forgotten poop made me wonder who was pooping at the plant. We only have one bathroom with one toilet, and from what I distictly tried not to witness that was at least a 2 chapter dump. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I don't like pooping at work. People are knocking on the door, asking you questions, trying to get you to buy girl scout cookies for their kids. I need some piece and quiet when I drop to kosby kids. I want to have a good book, maybe a drink of water, and turn up the shower to create the Steamy poop. The excuse is to let the shower heat up, but I think it makes the most relaxing bowel situation this side of the brown note.
And last and certainly least I want to thank anyone who made it this far and is still trying to laugh, thank you for being able to think poop is funny like I do

I vant to suck your blog.

A few days ago I was watching the history channel very late at night, (it was at that odd hour between Futurama, and the reruns of the daily show) and I happened to watch a show about modern day vampires. They talked about people who drink blood, people who feed off the physic aura of others, and about the vampire club scene in major cities. But they didn't talk about the most prolefic and possibly most successful cult of vampires. The blood bank. I can't imagine anyone more persistent about getting my life juices. Don't get me wrong, I am all for donating blood, it is a good way to help and you could save a life. But for some reason the blood bank felt that I wasn't giving enough so they called me twice a day every day for over 2 months. Unlike normal vampires crosses, garlic, and wooden steaks through the heart don't stop them. (the wood in the heart slows them down for sure though) No the only preventative measure is to tattoo yourself regularly, or visit africa, or take prescription meds, or get Herpes. So the last time the blood bank called I told them that I would be leaving for my new job as a tattoo artist in the congo, where my many life partners could finally share needles and unprotected sex without uncle sam and the local authorities breathing down my neck. And since then, no more calls. I might be under investigation under the patriot act but who isn't these days. (Wow a Patriot Act Joke, it's been almost a week since you've heard one of those right? Wrong the Patriot Act is no joke you terrorist.)

Also this is probably the worst title I have ever used, and I appologize to everyone who had to see it.

Great New Look, Same Horrible Aftertaste

As I am sure all of my incredablly loyal* readers have noticed the Super Happy Fun Time Blog has recently undergone some minor changes. If you didn't notice then you have deeply hurt my feelings. (Jon's feelings include: Hungry, Aggitated, Sleepy, Bloated, Gassy, and sometimes Enthralled.) These sweeping changes include new fonts all about the place, And a sublte enlargement of the title. Yeah that's right, I found about natural title enhancement, and now I just take this pill 3 times a day, and BOOM. Lets just say I use bold now. Also a nifty new record of all the old posts. you can have them sorted by year and month. (Sorting ideas that were rejected include # of misspelllings, Number of mentions of Breasts, Comment quality, Comment Quantity, # of misspelllings, and # of times I repeat bad jokes). SO I hope you all can appreciate the new flavor that is the Super Happy Fun Time Blog. Wow that is a stupid title, maybe I should enhance it some more.

*By loyal I mean you check it once a season to make sure I am not dead. My definition of loyalty is kinda low

If any one says anything about a "cool job" I will cut them into cubes and make 22 pound people bags

I have started working at ice company recently. It's called Home City Ice, and it's a large ice company with branches all over the Midwest and PA. Also producing ice is possibly the lamest thing ever. I am a logistcal technician. (I load trucks, with, you guessed it ICE, and because you guessed it, you get, you guessed it again some ice, wow you're a good guesser.) Basically my job is to get a truck from the lot, fill it with diesel fuel, back it into the docks, remove old ice from the back, load the truck for tomorrows run, return the truck to the lot, and then check it out to make sure there isn't any major problems. Basically I do this, get a truck from the lot, spill fuel allover myself, and sometimes wring out my shirt into the gas tank, reverse the truck at a large fraction of the speed of light into the the dock. (seriously for the first week I gave myself some wicked wiplash backing up trucks, I sued. the legal battle is getting ugly, apparently I know about some of the less moral things that I have done to the following organizations, FDA, Boy Scouts of America, OPEC, NAMBLA, Boy Scouts of Mexico, PETA, the NRA, Public Radio, Boy Scouts of Qatar. ) Then if the truck is pretty clean I load it up and send it home, but when the trucks come back dirty, then that is where I get aggitated. Most drivers are pretty good about cleaning up the messes in the backs of trucks, Empty bags of ice, pallets, the celofane from the pallet wrappings, all that jazz, anyways, some aren't and leave huge messes for me to clean up. Which isn't my job, (neither is covering my self in fuel, but what can I say, I like the smell) I talked to my managers about the messes, I talked to the drivers, and still nothing changed, so I talked to that little guy on my left shoulder. And he informed me about how to save some money on car insurance, and how to get the drivers back too. Now when I find trash in the backs of trucks, all that trash is moved to the cab of the truck, good luck driving with a cab full of empty ice bags. One driver left food in the back of his truck, I don't know why he was eating in the back of an ice truck, but apparently he thought it was such a good idea he left me half a sub so I could try, instead I moved it under his seat for a few days, and then placed it on the steering wheel with a note explaining to him the finer points of keeping his truck clean. ("This is your sandwich from last sunday! Don't leave shit in the back of your truck!") So far my personal war is working, casualties have been had on both sides, today I opened up a truck with a tipped skid of ice on it. (imagine a truck filled knee deep with snow, now imagine it in 7 pound bags, that's about the size of it) So now that driver has a pallet of ice without a celophane wrapper leaning against his back door, (Imagine an avalanche, now imagine it in 7 pound bags.)