Sunday, July 12, 2009


If you are a PA driver, there is a decent chance that you have had to drive through a tunnel. I think we can all agree on that*. So why is it that everytime i am on the turnpike I manage to find the one flock of cars who are apparently afraid of the damn dark. As soon as they make the turn and see the yawning mouth of the deadly tunnel they become instantly paralyzed with unspeakable fear (I dare not speak of it) and crush the brake pedal as if to push it through the floor. Then they all get really close to each other as if trying to get the safety in numbers feeling. When they realize how close they are to one another they all drift back out only to realize they need to get in tight again before the moment of truth. Why the hell are people so afraid of the damn thing, there is no monster, no traps, probably not even secret nazi treasure either. They are just a giant tube in the mountain to get you from side A to side B. I think I would like to paint teeth over some of them so that I would be able to tell myself that people have a real reason to fear them so much. The road is usually wider then the road in the open, and there are no turns (except in sommerset and that place is just fucked up in general). Yet people will weave back and forth all over the damn place as they white nuckle clutch their steering wheels and E-brakes.

This has got to stop if you are a sporting those dashing yellow fade to white fade to blue Plates we have. learn how to drive in a straight line. If you are from Ohio I understand you forget what mountains look like and what hills do to your acceleration when you drive. Also turns that you can't see forever in the distance makes your collective buttholes pucker. Thats cool Ohio, keep doing your thing. If you are sporting New York plates I generally don't have any beef with you. Unless you are covered in yankees stuff and that is usually a sign of a city dweller out of his/her element. Like a little kid in the deep end of the pool. all this nature and farms and landmass is a little overwhelming. I would excuse New Jerseians** because you don't have real mountains or anything in Jersey, but you are the armpit of the universe and I am sorry there is basically no excuse for what goes on there. A Maryland or Virginia is usually up to snuff and is game for the tunnels when they show up, so again no bovine flesh with them. The only other plates I consider when entering a tunnel is the wild and wonderful one. WV. The One and ONLY, the undisputed creepiest state in the union. West "The Incest" Virginia. When I am entering the tunnel with them, I don't fuck around. I drive at a decent speed and just keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road. Those people are no joke. Actually I am sure I am going to be hearing banjo music in the near future for my comments above.

My father has an amazing view of the tunnels that I share whole heartedly. "They can't pull you over in a tunnel!"*** This is a divine truth if you understand that the police still have the ability to pull you over and rip up your lisencse at the end of the tunnel when you emerge breaking a sound barrier. He also refers to them as timemachines because you can make up for lost time from children who have to pee to often. SO I view the tunnel as a welcome invitation to push my automoble up to a moderately fun speed. I have never broke 90 but we can say I was worried about running out of room for my slowdown. Which is accomplised by taking your foot of the gas at the halfway point and just coasting out. This usually brings my speed down to a level 60 or 65 as I gracefully glide out of the mountain. I do change lanes in the tunnel if some one is clearly ruining the fun by being the only person in the left lane traveling at 40 with panic plastered across their face. Not so I can get my car moving and speed away, but more just to watch it freak them out and maybe bring the question of adult diapers to the forefront.

*probably just me and that creepy guy from the gym last year are the only two reading this. and seriously Howie I am tired of those phone calls!

**Excerpts from the letter of Saul to the Jerseians: Let not common sense or decencey stop thou from speaking your minds about whatever you feel in the most obnoxious of manners.... ...And the Lord has commanded you to take wives of big hair and loud laughter at inappropriate times... ...Respecting the lord requires men 's chest and neck hair to be adorned with gold chains of the gaudy variety.

***please don't think my dad was screaming by my use of the exclamation point. Its just hard to convey things said rocketing through a concrete gun barrel at Mach 2

Friday, February 20, 2009

Super Powers

There are a couple of super powers that I want to discuss quickly that I think the major comic book companies have grossly overlooked. I think first off I would want the ability to cook anything in a microwave perfectly. I know it doesn't sound so great yet, but think about it, never burn popcorn again, never forget you had a fork in your bowl of man chow* and catch a whole lotta stuff on fire Again, and most importantly never accidentally press 13:00 minutes instead of 1:30 seconds, because that if you don't know folks is a huge difference in the microwave. I think that anything that spends more then 10 minutes in there is likely to come out either A. Glowing, B. Molten, or C. Deadly. Another little used super power would be the ability to grow and or retract hair very fast. This would come in handy quite a bit right now as it is ridiculously ass cold outside. Oh you gotta cold chin, POOF beard. Upper lip freezing? BAM mustache. Back of your neck cold, SKOFF, too bad asshole, no one wants to see you with a neck beard, shave it off like a grown up. But super heros need to have weaknesses or else its just kinda ridiculous, superman has kryptonite, Aquaman can only talk to fish, Spiderman is a wuss, and the Flash has a horrible hooker and meth habit. so what would be the microwave guys deal? duh, relative elevation, everyone knows that water boils differently at different elevations. Sadly without proper knowledge of the area microwave man will be helpless to scorched popcorn and other such malidays. but what about the hair growth guy? he has no weakness, facial hair is quite possibly the most powerful but useless force on the globe.

Monday, April 14, 2008

This morning I went into target before my early class. I was one of the first people to be in the store for the day. but instead of finding clean isles and somewhat hungover employees I found a giant circle of red shirted staff members standing right inside the entrance. I think they were having a pep rally or something, that or there was going to be some type of manager on employee throw down because one guy in a red shirt was getting yelled at by a lady in a red button up shirt (clearly management). Apparently the topic as I crossed into the store was "Asking: Can I help you find anything" because as I tried to skirt their corporate circle jerk I was asked at least 20 times if I in fact needed help finding anything. I don't know about everyone else, but with the exception of the first time I was in target, I am not usually just wandering aimlessly in search of some lost items. Please wise red shirt man, tell me where I can find the mysterious forgotten fish sticks. And if you somehow can't find something they don't really help you too much, they just say something vague like "over there past automotive" Automotive? I didn't even think you had things related to cars in here. Oh you mean that isle where you put the Turtle wax next to the air freshener trees. No if I am lost enough in target to need help, you better damn sure go with me to get it. We're on a quest now and you shall be my guide. I might call you Tic-tic or some other cute name, also we should stop by the store room and pick up a few Sherpas because I think frozen foods might be kinda tough to cross this late in the season. Also some torches. (P.S. to the fans of target I know that they do have a very comprehensive automotive services department, not only including things such as turtle wax but also air freshening devices above and beyond those shaped like trees)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Reviewing of the play

I want to look back on another past blog and add a little update. This blog is a classic. One of my personal favorites and a definitive benchmark of our times. Well it made me laugh so screw the rest of you. Its the good ole sex tape blog. I was thinking more about this the other day and decided that maybe I shouldn't have spoken so harshly against the sex tapes. Possibly Recorded Fornication has its merits (other then blackmail, delicious delicious blackmail) Maybe the tapes could be used like films from football teams. It is customary for teams to exchange film a week before the game to see what the other team has to offer. I think this could be a useful tool in the bedroom arena too (possibly kitchen stadium, backseat superdome, or even the Airplane Bathroom Memorial Park. Also I said tool in that sentence) Seeing film on a partner before hand could help you prepare for the unexpected. Lets face it some people make funny faces (clown make up is just wrong) do odd things, make funny noises, or have strange scars in the shape of 19th century vice presidents. Going in knowing this would save a lot of embarrassing questions. (like I didn't know you had a third nipple, or a sixth nipple, How exactly did you get a burn there, and my personal favorite Do you think it will grow back?) Now when you make the tape you would really want to be putting out your A game. So even if your first time with a new partner is a little under par you could point to the tape and say you were having an off week and after another week of practice you would bring a whole different team. Well just keep these arguments in mind if you are planning to make a sex tape. And feel free to send an advanced copy to Jonathan Hawkins. All proceeds from the sale of your private tape will go to Jonathan Hawkins, or the Jon Hawkins general awesomeness scholarship fund.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Gentlemen BEHOLD! Again

I am fairly sure I have spoken on the power of cheese before, but now I am ready to sing it's praises once again. Cheese has the amazing binding powers (not only of the colon, but it can bind other good foods together.) But the other day I was contemplating the amazing power of cheese to make normally inedible foods, well positively eatable. For example French Onion Soup. Basically sour water and old onions, possibly with a chunk of ancient bread floating in it. Yum. To make it edible you just need an inch of melted cheese on top. In this instance the cheese acts as a buffer between your mouth and old onion water. Also Nachos are junk without cheese. OHHHH boy, warm tortilla chips, sign me up (, the photo gallery is definitely worth a look.)

Monday, November 05, 2007

Shower time

First off I love using other peoples showers. For whatever reason showering in a new place is always fun for me. I get to see all the cool shit people have in there. Bath Poofs, Dandruff shampoos, Anti Crab medicines. Well this weekend I was visiting a good friend of mine in Pittsburgh and I had the pleasure of seeing a new shower. now I say shower because the bath tub that you stand in was entirely unsuitable for a bath. (unless you were dying yourself the color of mildew, which by the way is in this season) I am not trying to say anything bad about this person or their cleaning habits, don't get me wrong a shared shower with college men has every right to be that way. It says so in the constitution (Thomas Jefferson was the first writer of man laws). But I got to see a lot of cool stuff, like hair mayonnaise. I know black people had different hair then I do, and you can't wash it with the same shampoo, but Mayonnaise? REALLY? Regardless of what it does, I couldn't use a condiment in the shower. (other then Franks Red Hot, that stuff makes everything better) Also I saw a shower poof, well thats not true, because guys don't have those, its called a Lather Builder when a guy uses it. I like the name Lather Builder. It sounds like there is construction involved, possibly even 2X4's. And my favorite thing of all about a shared shower is everyone has their own face wash, all the same brand, just strategically located in close proximity with his shampoo and soap. Regardless of soap segregation, lather builders, and shower condiments, I think a persons shower curtain says a lot about them. Some people say the eyes are the window to the soul, well they are not smart, and they smell, because infact the shower curtain is. You can see a love of rubber ducks, exotic fishes, or know some one is plain as hell from the all white ones. The Cloth shower curtains show a person not concerned with mildew and attracted to soaking wet fabric. The heavy duty ones are from people who are afraid of psycho like attacks. So in summary, next time I am in your house, I will be judging you just by your shower

Monday, October 29, 2007

Let me stare deep into your eyes

This weekend I had the distinct displeasure of visiting one of my arch nemises. The EyeBall Doctor. Its not that I hate the actual doctor. No, doctor Korn is a cool guy and all, its just the whole procedure that bothers me so much. First off you have to do all the little tests before the doctor will even see you. You have the one where they blow on your eyeball, that they claim is to detect glocoma. I am fairly sure its just because people make a funny face when they get air blown at their eyes. your eyes close real tight and your whole face contracts and the best part is that you have to do it again. Its like a little kid getting shocked from a socket, then just trying the same fork in the 2nd plug of the outlet. After the eye ball blowing (yes that one is actually a sexual favor, and if you have to ask, you can't afford it) you get to look at a cactus. Well your supposed to look at the end of the road as it focuses in and out. The test is designed to get an aproximate precription for your eyes. but really it just shows you a cactus on a blank desert road and sees how long you can try not to look at it. Its a simple fact that cactuses are more interesting then the vanishing point of a desert road. (In fact cactuses are more intresting then a lot of stuff, next time you are bored at class, at work, visiting relatives, watching a bad movie, or doing homework just compare the experience to cactus watching, I think you will be pleasanty surprised.) After the test of your ability to not look at desert flora,you move into the actual doctors office. This is where I move from slightly annoyed to terrorified. Its always dark in the office and sometimes there is soft music in the backround. Already that is sending me the wrong signals. The scented candles and massage oils didn't help either. And the first thing he does is straddle a stool directly infront of you and places a giant piece of metal infront of your eyes that has the ability to make you see incrediably clearly, or not at all. Then the fun starts. He starts flipping lenses at a fraction of light speed and asks your opinion on them, Better or Worse. 1 or 2, on and on this goes until you are too confused to know anymore. You asked for them to be repeated and then you just guess after a while. Well this time I got a 3rd option that I don't remember having before. I can now respond "same". Shit! I was planning on just guessing and having a 50 50 chance of getting it right, now my odds are down to 33.crazy decimal that knows no end. I don't like those odds, mostly because I like my decimals to stop after a respectable distance. After all this, he pulls off that machine and then looks at your eyes with a flashlight for a few minutes. I figure this is when he is going to make his move, temporarily blinding you, and leaning close enough to notice my deodorant brand (I know some of you are shocked, but yes I do wear it.) Then he slides away, apparently satisfied. and tells you that your prescription hasn't changed. WHAT! all that for no change, you better lie to me after all that, change some decimals around. make up a disease or something.
Well anyways I am the proud owner of glasses again and can now see and possibly drive somewhat more safely.