Sunday, September 24, 2006

FLAVOR WhAT?

I am addicted to a little show called Flavor of Love 2. If you haven't seen this then stop whatever you are doing right now, gather food and water and sit down infront of a TV with VH1 on. Don't turn the channel! just watch Vh1 until it comes on. (Now statisticly you will probably see 200 countdown shows about things you could care less about; such as top 40 least recognizable celeb asses, and then you will see the same episode of celebrity Fit Club, where no one is a celebrity or really getting that fit, and you will definately learn all you need to know about bands like Rat, Ranger, Pantera, and White Snake, just a hint, all you need to know is that thankfully they aren't releasing records anymore!) The premise of this show is that aging rap legend Flavor Flav is looking for his next lady. I say next beacuse during Flavor of Love 1 he lost his previous girl (by the name of Hoopz, a classic name handed down from her great grandmother on her fathers side) due to relationship differences (apparently it's hard to make love with a clock hitting you in the face. Meh) Anyways this show is a graphic display of ridiculousness as the 20 original girls fought it out through challenges and eliminations. I think there are 3 left now, I am not sure beacuse I missed last weeks episode. (I know, I know I have been watching VH1 all week and let me just say White Snake were some crazy mothers) I can't really say why this show is so amazing, but after watching just one episode you will be hooked. I'm hooked so much that I am hosting a flav party at my place tonight.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Happy Belated 2 year anniversary

CONGRADULATIONS INTERWEB on hosting the most gramaticly incorectest thing EVER.
I just want to say it's been over 2 years since I started the monstrosity of misspellery and I never looked back once. (well I did once, but that was just too see if you really can hunt pumas and eat them, Yes by the way you can). I was going to offer you a clip show of some of the slightly humouress things that have happened in the past 2 years, but instead I want to talk about something serious here tonight. The over playing of Zombies.

Ahhh yes the undead, why could I possibly hate them. Well if it isn't the brain devouring, the world destruction, or terrible videos like thriller, then it has to be the fact that EVERYONE talks about them. Some of my friends at home and at colleges across the country have been known to make plans to foil a zombie attack. Great work! I will admit they are all outstanding plans all around thought out after much pot has been smoked or many brain cells drowned in Ethanol, and I am sure they all would work if only for one thing... ZOMBIES were REAL. I know I know it's part of the fun to make it really zany and all that. hahah ahhaha Zombies, oh those crazy zombies. And there are books about fighting them, with "real stories" about zombies in our modern day world which are rather vauge and seem like stories of brutal slaughter and possible canabalism. But I digress (yes, whenever something gets to canabalism you have definately digressed quite a bit). My point is (yes I have one) I am tired of hearing about zombies as if the world ending outbreak was going to be next week. Calm down we all know that is bullshit. It's not like for another 3 years 5 months, 16 days, 14 hours, and 22 minutes (give or take daylight savings time, leap years,) and it's not zombies you have to worried about, it's super herpes. That's right kids do your part in stopping super herpes where is lives (mostly hookers) practice safe sex. NO GLOVE, SPREAD SUPER HERPES WHICH WILL EVENTUALLY KILL US ALL. not the best slogan ever but my PR guy is sick. Oh yeah thanks for reading this for 2 years, you should probably go back and read some of the older ones, I definately got worse when I got picked up by the major labels. I totally sold out. I hate when I do that.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Service with a smile, a deadly, deadly smile

Today I was fortunate enough to recieve an E-mail or Electronic Mail for all you not hip to the computer jibber jabber (yes I assume you have reached my blog by randomly banging objects against the monitor and keyboard until the screen changes) from my sister. No this isn't a blog about me loving my sister or feeling sentimental, No, she sent me a picture of a place called the "Ninja Cafe". WOW, THE ninja Cafe. she unfortunately didn't go in, but that leaves the interior to my wild and perverse imagination. As I see it, there is two ways that this cafe could opperate. The first suggested by my sister in her "E-mail" was that the wait-staff would be dressed as ninjas. Backflipping to your table or throwing menus and napkins across the room like throwing stars to come to rest in front of you. That is one place were you don't stiff the waiter with the bill, hell you better leave a good tip, or you will probably be followed home and abducted under the cover of darkness. While I like this idea a lot, I think the 2nd option also has merrit too. Maybe this a cafe designed for the use of ninjas. After a hard day of Ninjaing (the present tense of the verb To Ninja: litterally meaning to kick serious ass) it would great to have a place to kick back, remove your dark cowl and just talk with a few of the fellas. Somewhere to let your numbchucks down and just get away from the day in day out daily ninja grind. I like to think of a nice room with comfy chairs occupied by off duty ninjas, that is comforting thought. I wonder if they can take little ninja naps there too. So either way if you are ever in Annapolis Maryland make sure you see the Ninja Cafe. but maybe you shouldn't go in, you don't want to piss of and off-duty ninja.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

As seen on TV

I was watching some fine quality programming on Cartoon Network (cartoons if you must know) and as per usual my very worth while time was wasted when my cartoon was interupted by commercials. But one of these commercials was to produce something so stupid (yes more stupider then the episode of camp lazlo I was watching) that it would force my hand. well not really force it, but push it towards the keyboard and watch sternly as I typed. The advertisement in question was one for the Ionic Breeze Quadra. Ah yes that magical machine that can make a dirty house smell slightly cleaner. Well during this commercial, Sharper Image made claim that the Ionic Breeze could change ozone and harmful chemicals into pure oxygen! wow just let that one soak in. Uh huh if you want to baste a little that would be a good idea. Ok marinated now? Good, Pure oxygen huh? A bit flammble maybe? Possibly a tad dangerous to the pets, the kids, or just about anything that normally functions in our atmosphere. That's right for 5 easy payments of 69.95 you can turn your house into the most posionous one to ever burn down in your area. Hey this little bit of ridiculousness has sparked my memory and caused the anger to burn up another huge mistake in the infomercial world. Does anyone else remember the Cold Heat Soldering gun (or soddering gun in American). That little slice of heaven was advertised as a mystical piece of technology that could heat up to temperatures hot enough to melt solder, but then cool enough to be touched with in seconds, and to prove this they showed them working on a project with the cold heat along with a very classy graphic of a themometer reading. The Themometer read 400 degrees when it was activated and actively melting the metal, but when it was turned off the temperature dropped to a stunning 0 degrees, WOW! that's right one second it can melt metal, and the next it can freeze water. You might not burn yourself with it, but you can give your friends some awesome frostbite. I would have imagined it would have returned to a room temperature. BUT and there is a Butt, (yeah that's right that just happened) the professionals at Cold Heat amended their mistake and made it say 68 degrees. Thankfully not enough to cause a spark and engulf your sweet smelling pure oxygen home.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I think Swiss cheese is a rip off. At the supermarket, it is packaged in the same sized blocks as normal cheese (ie, cheese without knives with wine pulls, ridiculous secret Nazi bank accounts, and that pesky neutrality that no one trusts). If they are going to give you the same sized brick then they need to give you some little plugs or cheese balls to fill in the holes. I didn't by a package of swiss air packets, dammit. I want the extra cheese in a little bag attached to side. And speaking of little attached sacks with round things in them... ok well we probably shouldn't discuss that here, anyways I am sure it will return to a normal color and the rash will clear up shortly. (I'll wait while you get that mental picture out of there). Ok good enough well if I have picked on the cheese industry then I better not forget the meat people too. Well almost meat anyways, that's right Bologna, or how the people who can't spell (me) say it, BALONEY. Baloney is probably the worst lunch meat ever. Not only are it's origins questionable, but it excretes its own slime. yes much like a slug, a fully grown baloney sandwhich accomplishes movement by secreting a slime trail. And while we don't know what baloney really is, we can relate it to the hot dog pretty easily, (yes it seems that the bastard child of a certian Mr. Baloney, and some sort of female meat product hooked up one night in a drunken stupor. The outcome was terror, slimy slimy terror). so we can reasonably believe baloney has it's origins with the hot dog, some kind of over giganiticus bastard child which means the slices of Baloney are only part of a larger, hot dog shaped whole. Imagine a hugegantic hot dog made of Baloney slowly creeping across your walls on it's own slime trail, that's right, baloney can defy gravity if it wants (gravity is totally grossed out and refuses to assert it's self). so next time you are about to bite into a rip-off and gigantic slimy hot dog slice sandwhich, take a minute and consider your alternatives (it's summer and there are a lot of excess children on the street, some catholic families might not even notice a few missing, delicious delicious children meat)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

That blog that almost wasn't (and probably shouldn't)

It seems that someone up above didn't want me to write this blog, No not Gregor the crazy hobo that lives in the crawl space and feeds on insulation and rats, probably some one like god. I started writing this afternoon and the computer froze, when I finally convinced* it to work the power went out briefly and the computer shut down, sending the few feeble lines of my rant to float aimlessly through the unused portion of the internet along with all the forgotten porn. So finally now I am sitting down to write and hopefully nothing goes wrong... ...still nothing. whew, Nothing yet... still going strong. Alright that's enough. I know it's been a while since you have gotten your daily dose of Jon (about 3 cups sifted and blended with egg whites). And what has your patience earned you? probably some half cocked angery ranting that may or may not make you laugh, but lets start with what has been taking up a decent amount of my time since I have been home, work. I am doing side work for the brewery that is opening in camp hill. I have been running wiring, and learning about electrical work, and desperately trying not to electricute myself (clearly I am to be served raw, refer to the recipe a few lines up). Anyways work isn't bad, but the brewery's grand opening is fast approaching, and there is a lot of work left to do. It seems everynight when I leave work there is tons of work to be done (like putting out those pesky electrical fires that my wiring may or may not have started). But when I come back in the morning a lot of the work is done, and there is empty beer bottles on the bar. Now I have 2 theories. First, that the owners are staying very late at night and working and possibly having a few before they go home, or second, and highly more plausible, the brewery has hired gnomes to work through the night, and they pay them with beer. Think of the profit margin on that, one bottle of beer would satisfy at least 5 of the little buggers, so hell one case of beer... hmm, carry the 2... move the decimal to the right... ...lefty loosey... ...A LOT OF GNOMES. And if they work all night (slightly drunk) then damn they could get a lot done, much more then a few half buzzed owners that's for damn sure. Well work is pretty stressfull so I have started to look for a new way to relieve stress. The best way I can imagine would be Sea Cow punching. Seriously could you imagine how good it would feel to punch the mess out of a Manitee, you could punch for days and days and when you were done, it would just swim away (at the exact level of boat propellers, DIVE YOU STUPID FAT SEA COW, DIVE). They are the only punching bag that would offer great sounds with each blow. PUNCH, moan, PUNCH, PUNCH, moan, CHOP, KICK, Moan, (did anyone else play PaRappa the Rappa' as a kid). And you totally could wail away with a metal softball bat if you were particuarly stressed. And beating the thing would only make it more tender. Imagine a thick Manatee steak loaded with A1 on the grill. Ok i agree it's pretty gross. Ok really gross, probably tastes like celery or something. GROSS, extra GROSS.

*When I say convinced I mean punched and kicked it like a manatee*

* I love these crazy star thingers, but still hate manatees

Friday, April 28, 2006

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like pissing me off

If Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper, WHY HAVE REGULAR DR. PEPPER. I can't imagine that there is a huge market for a product that has extra calories and sodium. If there is no taste difference then what seperates them other than real sugar or a substitute? Look, if Dr Pepper really thinks Diet DP tastes like regular DP then they need to put their High Fructose Sugar Syrup Water where their mouth is and stop making Fat Dr. Pepper. And don't tell me that the crap in Diet soda causes cancer. I'm not saying it doesn't, but seriously everthing causes cancer now. The person in a tanning bed with a ciggarette in their mouth and a cell phone next to their head can't bitch about drinking Diet Soda. BUT BUT BUT, it causes cancer in lab rats. EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER IN LAB RATS! Air, water, and I am sure being in a lab causes cancer in lab rats. Hell, being a lab rat causes cancer in lab rats. We need to find a more suitabe animal to do tests on. We should use Cockroaches, because they are hearty little guys. If it causes cancer in Cockroaches, I wouldn't do it, that's for damn sure. If a species known to live without it's head gets for several days gets cancer, watch out cause you know that is some serious stuff. And you will notice heavy use of the word SODA, that's right I still won't say pop and my recent trip home only confirmed the truth of it all. SODA NOW, SODA FOREVER.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Jon Vs The Sun, (a little hint, the sun wins)

There is pieces of my face in all of the states from here to Florida. I fought the sun, and the sun won. Actually the sun owned me. Really though the sun took advantage of one of my secret weaknesses. My use of sun tan oil. Not only does it make you tan, but also scorches the skin off of your bones. (the other weaknesses are Rabid Wombats, Excessive amounts of penguins, and Tomato soup) I realize telling you my weaknesses isn't really that great of an idea, but I don't think any of my arch enemies read this anymore. (that's right Bizzaro-Jon I know you stopped coming here). Anyways the reason I used the oil is simple, We were having a gun show. and as you all know, guns need to be properly oiled if they are going to work right. and I surely didn't want an accidental discharge to get some one on the beach, so I oiled up the guns, and you can't stop there so I did my face and back. This oil doesn't actually make you tanner, but calls the sun closer. This made the sun come from Florida's normal 5 ft away to about 16" off of my skin. And that was a problem. Well that wasn't actually the problem, the real problem was the reddness (I was emitting heat and a stunning Magenta glow), and when that stopped, the blisters. This is where I made my next mistake. I popped every blister I could get too, which was convient because there were tons on my face and shoulders, it was like bubble wrap but with my skin, and slightly more gooey. Anyways open blisters aren't really that much fun so I took the skin off, and then I had open wounds. WHOOPS. I really should have though about the logical progression in that one. Well now I have some open sores which are healing nicely, but my skin started flaking off. (kinda like bran flakes but not as good with milk) this is where I lost my face. So if you have seen my face, please contact me and let me know. I am offering a 5 dollar reward for the person who finds atleast 30% of my face. ($5 bucks seem kinda like a rip off, but it wasn't that good of a face, and I think I will do better when I grow the next one.)

Jon Vs The Sun, (a little hint, the sun wins)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Again with the Anger

Just wanted to issue some threats to somethings that are making me upset recently. First off Face book and My Space, watch your step. First off for the facebook, if you were too cool to talk to me in high school, I will not be your friend, also seeing me on campus or a passing "hey" doesn't constitute us being chums. And as for you My Space, I just don't even understand what it is that makes you tick. I got a chunk of you, but don't really know what to do now, apparently I can scour the internet for other people so I can add them to a list of friends who I never talk to but I don't know if that is on my priority list. Nope, I just checked said list and that isn't on there, but my car's inspection sure is, and that is another thing I hate. I understand that yearly inspections are an important part of keeping the roads safe by eliminating problems before they cause accidents on the road, but come on where is the fun in that, I think you should be able to skip as many inspections as you like, but if you cause an accident then your fines are multiplied by the years since your last inspection. Say your car hasn't had it's yearly physical for 4 years, then when it blows all it's vaulves and crashes headlong into the semi in the next lane, you simply multiply the fine total (lets just say $500) by the years since last inspection in this case 4, ($2000, whoo hoo go state governemnt). Also by the same token, you have to devide a speeding ticket by that number cause lets face it, if you haven't gotten that beast checked out in 4 years it's a miracle you got it up to 90 without the engine just solidifying. And speaking of solidifying my last gripe has to do with something getting hard. Uhm lets go back for a second and try that one agian. And speaking of solidifying my last gripe has to do with something going rigid. well it's a little better. I recently recieved play doh and have been enjoying it a lot for the past week or so, unfortunately I let it sit out the other day and had to perform surgery to remove all the hard chunks from the still viable doh. It takes a long time to sift through a can of play doh to get all the little crusty pieces out and that made me think that maybe the people at play doh should focus less on a new system to extrude that doh in odd shapes and re-work the original recipe to make it last a little longer before becoming Play-Bric. By the way the original recipe is to serve room temperature with a side of paste and a dry white wine. anyways that's the rundown of what has been irritating me the most lately.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

V-DAY

OH yeah that's right its one of my favorite days of the year. Uhm you might want to step back that one was oozing sarcasim, I heard it can really fuck up your shoes if it gets on there. No one wants slightly melted pumas. Anyways this year I am not going to complain about the injustice, or bitch about the lonliness that drives many americans do go crazy, why not, because this time I am not alone for the 6th worst holiday of the year. But if you are alone you can always go check out the old page and take a gander at old Jon's feelings toward the so called day of love. www.theonetruejon.blogspot.com is probably still opperational, but you might have to clean off some spider webs and remember I was a bit angrier back in those days, so don't judge me. No this year I just wanted to relate the utter ridiculousness that was walmart today. I had to go out and get an something I forgot to pick up for dinner tonight, and when I arrived I saw a sight of all consuming chaos and carnage. Litterally where there had been flowers now just stood ripped petals and overturned buckets of questionable water. Very few cards remained as I walked down an isle of shredded pink evelopes. The candy section was probably the best though. I think everything but the sugar free candy was almost gone. All except for the gross things of course , black liquirice, dark chocolate, white chocolate, things with pecans, good and plenties. I saw an entire empty display of pop rocks that I know for a fact had been full 2 days ago. Nothing says I love you like pop rocks mind you. The people of Western PA must be into some seriously kinky shit to consume that many poprocks. but the icing on all the destruction was a desimated Russle Stover box that bore a huge foot print of a war wound. Taking in the scene reminded me of seeing pictures of the trenches after a WWI battle. It was ugly, and I am glad to say I wasn't there. Well anyways just wanted to wish everyone a Happy V-Day

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Dick "trigger happy" Cheney

That's right our beloved Vice President has done something so ridiculous you couldn't have imagined it if you tried really really hard. No it's not a 30th heart attack, and no it has nothing to do with oil companies, but it does deal with a shotgun and a politician from texas. Wow what a great way to describe it. No before my leftist readers get excited it wasn't President Bush, and he didn't kill the man. Mr. Whittington, (very distingished sounding, maybe I should say Harrumph in front of it. ) Mr. Harrumph Whittington came up behind Cheney and a fellow hunter without calling out or singnalling. And when a group of quail were flushed Cheney fired at a bird and peppered Mr. Harrumph Whittington. Not cracked red peppered or even Cheyenne peppered, just gave him a few pellets from the game load cartrage he fired. These few pellets found their way into Mr. Harrumph Whittington right cheek, neck, and chest. Here's the best part, he immediately taken to the hospital by the on call ambulance that follows the vice president. HE HAS AN ON CALL AMBULANCE! I want that so bad. how can a person get an on call ambulance short of starting their own community. Well it's not caused he saved up all his chuck-e-cheese tickets and that was on the wall of prizes. No aparently the 8 or 25 heart attacks warrents your own first response team ready to roll your lard ass onto a gurney and administer a shock from those badass defibulator paddles. Anyways Mr. Harrumph Whittington is in stable condition and will be out of the hospital soon. Cheney an avid hunter is now considering giving up the hunting of quial as he has now been reported to have developed a taste for the most DANGEROUS GAME. It is also reported to have bought a small island off the coast of mexico where he can stock it with only the finest people for his hunts, the island will be called, Definately-nothing-illegal-going-on-here island. Unfortunately that last piece of information was reported by me. on this site. So you might want to question the validity of that last bit.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Hrubbberneckers

I think if there is any group of people who needs to be shot out into the sun and never heard from again it's definately rubberneckers. Yeah that's right, if you are that interested in a persons misfortune that you need to tie up traffic even more, then you deserve the bright hot searing doom that is a crash landing into our solar central. Today on the parkway I was traveling in-bound, (pay attention this is important later, and there might be a quiz) and on the radio I heard about an accident on the outbound side before the tunnel. That's right I am talking about the infamous Squirrel Hill Tunnels. I am used to a certian amount of traffic near the tunnels but as I cleared the last exit preceeding them, I saw a sea of glittering brake lights stretching all the way to the tunnel itself. I thought I must have heard them wrong on the radio and the accident must be on the inbound side after all. 20 minutes and a mile and a half later I entered the tunnel without seeing any sign of an accident. When I emerged I saw the "accident" on the OUTBOUND side. I say "accident" because it's fun to use quotes and it there were 3 cars that had rear ended one another. 2 were drivable and 1 was being towed. Yet somehow traffic on my side, inbound, was moving at a trickle because everyone had to see one car getting towed. HOLY CRAP A TOW TRUCK! that is amazing. look it's going to move that other car. MAN this is the best day ever. the only thing you would be looking for is if to see if someone was hurt. And I imagine if it's on the radio, your not going to be the first responder to the scene, so keep driving. SO to sum it all up, just becuase some people have a preoccupation with the need to see blood and human tragedy whenever possible, I am late to class. So to make their first and final trip to the sun more enjoyable we will be playing "Red Asphault" as the inflight movie and their shuttle will be proceeded by a car, so they can watch one last accident.

Here's the quiz

Which way was Jon traveling?
A Inbound
B Outbound
C gagged and bound

What do people who rubberneck deserve
A a one way ticket to antartica
B the fist o fury
C a crash landing into our sun

What is Jon's favorite color
A Green
B Clear
C The color purple

If Jon were an animal he would be
A puma
B Penguin
C Mountain Goat with super sonic hearing

If jon were to die tomorrow he would want what done with his body
A Cremation
B Donation to science
C Cryogenically frozen until 2229 when he can assend to his robotic body and lead the last remaining armies of earth to victory across the galaxy.

Bonus. Short answer
If you were an ocean which one would you be and why. (Point taken off for the use of the word Indian Ocean instead of Native American Ocean.)