Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Sorry everyone

Hey sorry I have been on here in a while, the truth is that I was abducted by aliens and forced to write for them, needless to say I am back, something about insuffient funniness and encreased enjoyment of frequent anal probes. OH Well. Wait that's not the truth. The real truth is I have been busy at school and at life. Some for the good, some for the not so good. But I promise soon I will be back to my old self. Lewd and Obnoxious.
Here is a few little things that I was thinking about.
An improvement for the NO TRESPASSING: Violaters will be Prosecuted.
Shorten it and just wait TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATEd. I would be sure to steer clear of that place.
Peer Pressure all the cool kids are doing it.
and also,
Don't try to seceed from the union. It is not very funny, and people get mad at you for being an asshole. Yeah that about sums it up.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Bob Barker, Game show host or Anti Christ

I know, I know all college students love Bob Barker and my dream should be to one day spin that big wheel and big on a showcase during one of the infamous showdowns, but I am breaking from the rest of higher education and saying that Bob really is not as cool as I we were made to think.
But he gives away so much stuff.
Bullshit. He gives away soooo much crap. That is the stuff that stores couldn't sell. How many dining room sets does the Prices Right Producers have in the warehouse, and why does every old person and college student win them. I've seen a lot of appartments during my breif college experience but none of them would look right with the blue flowered floral dishes and their dark wood display case, Yeah bob I'll just set it between the Beer Pong table and that passed out girl. Nice. And what do the old people want to win furniture for anyways. The stuff they have had since the 70's is in plastic covers anyways so it's not like they need new ones to just cover up.
But the showcases Jon, The showcases.
Yeah I always wanted a golf cart, an Air Hockey Table, and a trip to Montreal all at once. And never pass on a showcase because if you do your going to get the life time supply of dish detergent and a new kitchen sink, along with the latest in shopvac technology. The only thing Bobby boy's show has going for him is Plinko and new cars. If it wasn't for the chance at those two things, no one would watch. No one except for the old cat ladies whose life revolves around the price of kitty litter and cat food (two things bob gives away a lot of.) And how old is Bob, seriously they must have found him when they dug up the foundation for CBS's studios. He has been doing that show forever and never will stop so I am sure that he is ageless and there for Imortal and he's got to be evil to have a game show that demands you know the going price of Jock itch cream. so I deduce that he is infact the anti christ, that or an robot like his twin Dick Clark. So don't waste your afternoons watching him, watch something constructive like cartoons.

World Domination, eh too much work, NORTH AMERICA DOMINATION

People set their goals too high. The world is a big place with a lot of people who aren't going to like you too much. And they might have rocks or bullets and that would be bad if you got hit with either of those. SO revise your goals and take an easier route. I've chosen North America Domination. That's a lot of dominating Jon, How could you ever do that? Well I will tell you, First off is the hard part, become president. I am might just have to rig an election to get it but it's for the greater good and all that. So anyways I will declare War on Canada within a week of my acceptance of the Presidency. I will just say canada has a big program to make nukes out of Lumber, and show the Canadain national Lumber production numbers and people will be scared. (honestly who needs that much wood.) Anyways we will move up and go in with huge bags of trash and just litter everywhere. The general Canadian populace will be so busy picking things up and making their country clean again they will never see the massed troops shooting their way through their towns. Anyways after I declare total victory I will decree that a state quarter be minted and Canada be admitted as the 51st state. The Maple Leaf State. Their quarter will have some hockey sticks and a pitcher of syrup. And as a way to keep the their broken populace under check I will force them all to wear Mounty Costumes and become park rangers for America's Largest National Park : CANADIA. Meanwhile I figure all the mexicans will have snuck into Nevada, Arizona, Texas and California so we will just march down there and plant a few flags down and call it a day. And that is how I can dominate North America, maybe I will get greedy later and go for something else, but if a continent can't keep you busy, you may want to have a serious session with a doctor in the field of psychology.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

People always come up to me and ask, "How can you relate Sandwiches to a Constitutional Amendment?" and I am all like "Well as I see it Sandwiches with pickles in them are stupid. There is a lot of sandwich and a little bit of pickle. so your only going to get 1 maybe 2 bites of pickle, and it's not the best flavor to be surprised by. Eating a McDonals cheeseburger with Pickles is like play Russian roulette. And how crappy is Russia if their roulette is taking a revolver, and having a 1 in 6 chance of killing yourself. Can you imagine what the rest of their casino is like. What would Russian Black Jack be if that is how they play Roulette. When you asked to get hit, you actually do. And don't get over 21, becuase when you bust, they bust your kneecaps. And speaking of busting knee caps, what is the mob been up to lately, I think the only thing organized crime has done recently is be made fun of by shows like the Sapranos. What happened to the cool shit they used to pull bank hiests, and run booze in from Canada, and use tommy guns and other cool mob stuff. That's right the reappealed Prohabition and all the cool shit stopped. so finally I will look at the subject of Prohabition and how retarded that was, what the hell were we thinking, what would college students do on the weekends? Bitch" and they are all like "OK thanks"