Sunday, July 12, 2009

Tunnels

If you are a PA driver, there is a decent chance that you have had to drive through a tunnel. I think we can all agree on that*. So why is it that everytime i am on the turnpike I manage to find the one flock of cars who are apparently afraid of the damn dark. As soon as they make the turn and see the yawning mouth of the deadly tunnel they become instantly paralyzed with unspeakable fear (I dare not speak of it) and crush the brake pedal as if to push it through the floor. Then they all get really close to each other as if trying to get the safety in numbers feeling. When they realize how close they are to one another they all drift back out only to realize they need to get in tight again before the moment of truth. Why the hell are people so afraid of the damn thing, there is no monster, no traps, probably not even secret nazi treasure either. They are just a giant tube in the mountain to get you from side A to side B. I think I would like to paint teeth over some of them so that I would be able to tell myself that people have a real reason to fear them so much. The road is usually wider then the road in the open, and there are no turns (except in sommerset and that place is just fucked up in general). Yet people will weave back and forth all over the damn place as they white nuckle clutch their steering wheels and E-brakes.

This has got to stop if you are a sporting those dashing yellow fade to white fade to blue Plates we have. learn how to drive in a straight line. If you are from Ohio I understand you forget what mountains look like and what hills do to your acceleration when you drive. Also turns that you can't see forever in the distance makes your collective buttholes pucker. Thats cool Ohio, keep doing your thing. If you are sporting New York plates I generally don't have any beef with you. Unless you are covered in yankees stuff and that is usually a sign of a city dweller out of his/her element. Like a little kid in the deep end of the pool. all this nature and farms and landmass is a little overwhelming. I would excuse New Jerseians** because you don't have real mountains or anything in Jersey, but you are the armpit of the universe and I am sorry there is basically no excuse for what goes on there. A Maryland or Virginia is usually up to snuff and is game for the tunnels when they show up, so again no bovine flesh with them. The only other plates I consider when entering a tunnel is the wild and wonderful one. WV. The One and ONLY, the undisputed creepiest state in the union. West "The Incest" Virginia. When I am entering the tunnel with them, I don't fuck around. I drive at a decent speed and just keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road. Those people are no joke. Actually I am sure I am going to be hearing banjo music in the near future for my comments above.

My father has an amazing view of the tunnels that I share whole heartedly. "They can't pull you over in a tunnel!"*** This is a divine truth if you understand that the police still have the ability to pull you over and rip up your lisencse at the end of the tunnel when you emerge breaking a sound barrier. He also refers to them as timemachines because you can make up for lost time from children who have to pee to often. SO I view the tunnel as a welcome invitation to push my automoble up to a moderately fun speed. I have never broke 90 but we can say I was worried about running out of room for my slowdown. Which is accomplised by taking your foot of the gas at the halfway point and just coasting out. This usually brings my speed down to a level 60 or 65 as I gracefully glide out of the mountain. I do change lanes in the tunnel if some one is clearly ruining the fun by being the only person in the left lane traveling at 40 with panic plastered across their face. Not so I can get my car moving and speed away, but more just to watch it freak them out and maybe bring the question of adult diapers to the forefront.

*probably just me and that creepy guy from the gym last year are the only two reading this. and seriously Howie I am tired of those phone calls!

**Excerpts from the letter of Saul to the Jerseians: Let not common sense or decencey stop thou from speaking your minds about whatever you feel in the most obnoxious of manners.... ...And the Lord has commanded you to take wives of big hair and loud laughter at inappropriate times... ...Respecting the lord requires men 's chest and neck hair to be adorned with gold chains of the gaudy variety.

***please don't think my dad was screaming by my use of the exclamation point. Its just hard to convey things said rocketing through a concrete gun barrel at Mach 2

Friday, February 20, 2009

Super Powers

There are a couple of super powers that I want to discuss quickly that I think the major comic book companies have grossly overlooked. I think first off I would want the ability to cook anything in a microwave perfectly. I know it doesn't sound so great yet, but think about it, never burn popcorn again, never forget you had a fork in your bowl of man chow* and catch a whole lotta stuff on fire Again, and most importantly never accidentally press 13:00 minutes instead of 1:30 seconds, because that if you don't know folks is a huge difference in the microwave. I think that anything that spends more then 10 minutes in there is likely to come out either A. Glowing, B. Molten, or C. Deadly. Another little used super power would be the ability to grow and or retract hair very fast. This would come in handy quite a bit right now as it is ridiculously ass cold outside. Oh you gotta cold chin, POOF beard. Upper lip freezing? BAM mustache. Back of your neck cold, SKOFF, too bad asshole, no one wants to see you with a neck beard, shave it off like a grown up. But super heros need to have weaknesses or else its just kinda ridiculous, superman has kryptonite, Aquaman can only talk to fish, Spiderman is a wuss, and the Flash has a horrible hooker and meth habit. so what would be the microwave guys deal? duh, relative elevation, everyone knows that water boils differently at different elevations. Sadly without proper knowledge of the area microwave man will be helpless to scorched popcorn and other such malidays. but what about the hair growth guy? he has no weakness, facial hair is quite possibly the most powerful but useless force on the globe.