RALLY BEARD

I am embarking apon a journey that is fraut with peril and spooky doom. I am going to forsake my military training and devevate from it's standards. I am going to grow a beard. When I handed in my notice to quit work last monday (leaving me with only 5 more weeks of welding terror) I decided I needed a good luck charm to see me through till the end. I thought about not changing my pants, but burning a hole in them with the hot saw kinda ended that little endevor. So I decided to take a page from some sports greats and am growing a rally beard. Basically I am not going to shave until I quit working. now a week and a half into it I can tell that I am going to look like a special ed. Muscrat. I am not meant to have facial hair as demonstrated by my ridiculous attempt at a mustache. (I was growing in really dark at the corners and working it's way to the middle. except I guess it stalled about half way and decided to give up. I looked like I had a pair of furry quotation marks under each Nostril. Sexy I know, and yes somehow the ladies still manage to control themselves) So I have detoured slightly from the rules and shaved the punctuation marks off my face. so now I am trying to get the space between my side burns and my little beard thingy to fill up. I am trying to get a picture of it in all it's glory to keep an update week by week unitl it goes away, so if you want to see it let me know and I will shoot out a picture as soon as I can take one.

9, 10, Buckle my shoes

When I was a little Jon, so small and tiny, my father taught me a little song that most kids learn during their childhood. The great classic 1,2 Buckle my shoes. Well if you know my father then you know is the one I get my sick and twisted side from. So basically I learned it this way.

1,2 Buckle my shoe
3,4 Buckle my shoe
5,6 Buckle my shoe
7,8 Buckle my shoe
9, 10 BUCKLE MY SHOE,

The worst part about it is that he used to make me perform it for all of his friends. I am glad I was entertaining his friends with my ingorance to the closing of the door, Sticks, the act of laying them straight, or doing it again. Boy did I ever look like an ass at Kidergarten when I tried to join in during that time on the carpet squares. So why would my old man do this to me? Spite? doubtful, I see only 2 possibilities, either he thought it would be fun to mess me up pretty good and make me sound a gerneral idiot, or more likely he just got lazy after verse one and said FUCK IT.

Hey Look it's still Summer

Never has a summer lasted SO long. When I was a wee lad (also scottish apparently) the summers went so fast you barely had time to destroy more than 3 slip and slides. Yeah so slip and slide onto hot pavement, not one of our best ideas. Seriously though when I was younger I never wanted to go back to school. I would have rather been beaten with rabid badgers then see the terror bringing month of September looming up on my calander. But this summer. The summer of the welding and flesh burning, the only summer in the history of all that is Jon that I have wanted to end, Refuses to. I want nothing more to be back at school sleeping till noon and yelling at people, occasionally firing nerf darts at them. (Seriously it is nerf or nothing. There is no option, you will nerf, or you will nothing.) I just want to wake up tomorrow afternoon in my messy room with that college guy funk hanging around, and a cup of milk from a week ago left on my desk. I told you I was making cheese. We needed cheese and that was my solution. Craft singles my ass, just let a glass of 2% hang around for a few weeks and you get a whole brick of the stuff. Sure it might be fuzzy, but that is probably good for you. or not at all. And in closing I have a quote I would like to place hear in honor of drinking. Drinking, all the memories that we will never forget, .... ...or remember.

When life hands you Lemons

Do what my mom did, and let them sit in the fridge for a month at the bottom of one of those drawers. The thing was all brown and Leathery on one side, and blue and fuzzy on the other side. The only way I knew it was a lemon was by the taste. I don't understand how prodects have THE CLEANING POWER OF LEMONS or CITRUS, if those things can get just as nasty as the crap you are cleaning up. (Crap is a really funny word, and being semi-grown up I don't say it enough). I understand how things like Bleach and Amonia can clean, they don't get moldy or dirty. Here's the test. if you can leave it outside for a week and no harm has really come to it then you can clean with it. Hell do that with bleach, and not only will the bleach still be fine, but it will have killed most of the vegitaion around it. So to sum that one up, Fruits and their acids, no good, Deadly industrial chemicals, Go ahead Billy. Also today in the grocery store, I bought STRING CHEESE. Uhm if you haven't had that in a while, you are missing out. ANY food you can peal (that doesn't grow that way in nature) is amazing. It takes me like 4 hours to eat one, and by then, the low grade cheese is kinda warm, but it's so pumped with chemicals, and homoginized, pasturized, and maybe saved by Jesus, that it can't spoil.

Hey Hey Hey

Well finally I got a chance to get back to writing on this McJigger. Just a few things about my job before I go back to pretending it's all a bad dream. First off I work with the best of the best, of the worlds worst. Some how both of my supervisors (Ed in the welding shop, and in the paint shop Turtle (that's right his name is turtle (how many side notes can a person add into a single set of these guys() (aparently 4) ) ) ) smoke a lot of pot, IN THIER SHOPS. One can paint when high, meh not all that amazing, but the welding? DAMN that is talent, and when Ed isn't high, he's drunk. And when he's drunk, he becomes his alter Ego, the DRELDER, the DRunk wELDER and his amazing ability to not burn his flesh off. If I am as drunk as he is I can barely throw a ping pong ball into a plastic cup, let alone join 2 pieces of steel with an insanely hot torch. Also earlier this summer (well actually spring cause it was still May(OH NO I CAN'T STOP {ok I fixed it})) when the star wars movie came out {that right there is me trying to act like I barely noticed it so you don't think I am a big nerd} I complained that I couldn't go the midnight show with my nerd friends, because I had to work the next day, so to make me feel better all 5 of us in the weld shop had "SPARK WARS" where we took the metal grinders, and shot sparks across the shop at one another. I got a lot of burns that day and I gave a few out myself. Ok enough about my fantastic job and the amazing people I work with. I finally got a set up so I can listen to my CD's in my car. But apparently fate heard about this and decided to shit allover my listening enjoyment by crashing my computer and destroying my hoardes of illegally downloaded music. So now I have 3 or 4 unscratched CD's that I can listen too, and I know that isn't going to last me for very long so if you want to donate some music to a worthy cause please send all possible music you can spare. If you have anything by Reel Big Fish, Catch 22, Less Than Jake, Weezer, Green Day, Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphy's, Blur, or Rage against the Machine, you can be in the gold circle memebership club. Classic rock, ska bands, punk, and alternative will get you in the Silver oval membership club. Anything else will get you in the Bronze octagonal box of terror (with spikes), i mean bronze triangle membership club. Seroiusly though I need music so if you have anything you can let me burn please let me know.

Pink

Some one recently told me that Pink was the new red. Hmmm just take a second and let that one soak in. yeah, a new red. Where did old red go. If I have a shirt that was considered red what is it now. Rainbows across the world have shifted to Poy G. Biv. Our flag is now the proud owner of pink white and blue. Cop cars are much less intimidating with blue and pink lights flashing. Stop lights don't tell you to stop the same anymore and finally car accidnets are much happier because people are now losing streams of pink juices instead of nasty old red blood. YOU CAN'T MAKE ONE COLOR BE ANOTHER ONE. The new red is RED, just like the new pink is PINK. Very simply until you change the 8 color spectrum and can seperate light into a pattern where pink is in the spot of red, then pink is still pink, and red is still RED.

Behold the power of Febreeze

Today I come to you to speak of yet another wonder chemical brought to the American people. No it's not the most holy Nyquil, and no it's not Gold Bond, (I think that stuff could cure cancer) it's every guys best friend Febreeze. This magic chemical is the closest thing to Anti-Stink spray yet known to mankind. I don't know how it works really, but I assume it's a little something like this. Odor, in it's rawest form, FUNK, is hanging out everywhere in your room. Not too big of a deal for day to day life, but when Funk has it's pals over, B.O. and "that ass smell" then you might get mad and do something about it. That something is get yourself a bottle of Febreeze and go to town. You can spray that stuff anywhere; couch, carpet, curtains, pets, hobos, whatever you have laying around your room. And somehow through the magic of techology the Febreeze evicts the funk and lets the room smell like.... well it smells like febreeze, but still it's not funk. This stuff is great for people like me who don't like to clean as much as to find out someone's coming over and lay down a healthy coating of Febreeze throughout the area. And before I finish up and toss the bottle back down, I give myself a few passes just to be sure. There is a new aresol febreeze out on the market and I am a huge fan. It gives me that same funk fighting power with out all that trigger squeezing I had to do with the original variety. There is only one downside to this magnificent milestone in better living, You never have enough. When you really need it, parents are coming, having a girl over for dinner (I know that some of you are female, but I just like to think you will have each other over for dinner... and then there is a glass of wine spilled on a shirt.... and then.... well all the little dots can lead you to....) Or those pesky child service people start poking around. Anyways, childabuser, potential lesbian, or just unclean person (who can pick with those options, I can, unfortunately the lesbians I know don't really like me too much.) you should always have a spare bottle of Febreeze.

Man in a can

Ok most guys use some sort of body spray. Whatever your brand may be, Axe, Tag, Bod, Old Spice, Pam (I hate when I stick to the pan and get all burned and crispy), the comercials all seem to show that simply spraying a few puffs of fragrance on will make you the manliest man to ever...be a man?. ANYWAYS. I looked at the ingredients on my can of Axe. and they are as follows SD Alcohol, Butane, Hydrofluorcarbon, fragrence, and Isopropyl Myristate. I know for a fact that the first two are flammable. one you put in lighters, the other you put into my stomach. Then next two I assume are the smelly ones and such. and that last little guy.... well he's... probably the chemical name of Manlyness. So applying this to yourself can't possible make you all that manly. Infact I think it should make you more combustable. So when wearing this product stay near women, not open flames. Do not store yourself in direct sunlight or in an area that will reach over 120* (where the crap is that little degrees circle on a keyboard. seriously how many times a day do I use this little thing {}. couldn't of those be the degress cirlce. who needs 2 shift keys anyways. ) ANYWAYS those sprays make you smell good (or are good for non-stick baking), but they don't make you any more of a man. only illegal testosterone injections can.

Heavens Draft

With all the recent deaths of prominent figures I think we need to ask ourselves why. Is it possible that god is putting together an all-star show. Ray Charles will obviously be playing and singing along with ODB (old dirty bastard, for all yal who don't represent), Mitch Headberg Rodney Dangerfield and Johnny Carson will be telling the jokes. And the talent always needs a good agent, that's why god gave the big call down to Johnny Cochran. And we all know how stars get when the food is sub par, so the lord picked up Frank Perdue and Julia Childs in the 3rd round. And every good show needs a headliner, that is why for a limited time engagement Pope John Paul II will be opening. OK OK OK joking aside, these people will be missed (except Johnny Cochran) and their deaths are a loss to us all. Oh yeah and the pope will be closing cause no one can follow that act.

Sick (in the illness way, not the perverted way, ok I am still sick that way too, but more towards the illness)

Ask anyone what the worst feeling is and I am sure they would tell you being eaten alive by 200,000 raging fire ants. And I am sure we can all agree that would feel pretty bad. I am sick today and I feel bad, not nearly that bad as all the ants, but still pretty bad. I feel like someone filled my sinus cavity with all the sheets of a maximum security prision on an August night. Old people who worked as the Asbestos man in a coal mine and smoked a pack a day since they were 5 can breathe easier then me. And what are my weapons I am using to fight this phlemy menace? Advil Cold and Sinus, that is some good stuff, Cough drops, and cough syrup. Those of you who know me may be asking where is your atomic bomb of medication. Nyquil. Well I am currently out that magic green elixior of life. I know just a half a bottle would obliterate this cold in a single night, but with no NyQuil in sight it looks like I will just have to carry on fighting for my body and it's weakening immune system. If you are moved by my terrible plight please send NyQuil as soon as possible. The larger the quantity the better, is there NyQuil concentrate? If so I would be making NyQuil slurpees. Anyways, Any donation is welcome and you can just pledge it on my comments section. Thank you and with your help I am sure we can stop me from coughing up things of questionable origin.

April Fool's Day Eve

This is a day made for all those organised people who like to plan things out to hook up with an asshole with a devious mind. So I am looking for my organizer any minute. Tomorrow as you may or may not know is April Fools Day (well reading the title should have clued you in Genius). Pranksters all over the country will be using classics like "your shoe's untied", and "Hey look your grandmas on fire". But are these tried and true pranks enough for you. Are you the kind of practical joker that savors the smell of fresh shaving cream, or relishes hearing the snap of a "accidentally weakened" chair. If you are and are in need of a few good ideas then let me help you. If you feel up to it, you can sort through the mountains of porn on the Internet and find a few good ones. (But that would require using Google. and I just don't trust those shady bastards.) Computerpranks.com will give you many quick and easy pranks to put on a friends computer. such as the classic pointer chasing animated Penis. Watch him go. Here are a few Jon Approved jokes you can try out. Line a friends bed with Tin Foil, under the mattress pad is best. It's not that harmful, but for a tired roomate it will cause a bed the crinkles everytime he moves. Remove all utensils from the house or dorm room. Watch those sorry fools try to eat a bowl of Chocolate lucky charms with chopsticks. Unscrew every light bulb. Darkness=toe stubbery (divided by 45, take the natural LOG, Square, Multiple by the people in Liechtenstien and subtract seven, and I am sure that you will have some sort of number). Fill a pillow case with Unsented shaving cream and lay it on a bed. (helps if you cover it with another pillow. Seran wrap a car, desk, or friends toilet. and if nothing else freeze a can of shaving cream, cut away the metal and leave the frozen cream where ever. The blob of cream will expand uncontrolably as it warms to the size of a poor milage SUV. Today on Campus I saw a pre April Fools day prank where they covered a car with Post-its. That was some quality workmanship and I would like to meet the mind that thought that one up. Well good luck pranking and remember it's all fun and games until some one's grandma catches fire. then it's just a game. PUT OUT GRANNY, the home addition.

Children who eat paint chips may already be idiots

I was wondering about little kids eating lead paint chips. I imagine those little buggers would have to eat them when they were 3-5 right, I mean seriously would any decent parent just wander away from thier child when they were 1 or 2 for long enough for them to consume a decent amount of this paint. Who even puts a 1 or 2 year old in a room with chipping paint. Children that young should be in baby jail (a crib) or start their brainwashing (PBS shows). SO that means the kid should be about 3 or so when they first get their grubby little mits around some paint chips. If you are 3 and you are eating peices of paint off the wall then you may not be the brightest buld to begin with. I think the whole lead paint chip is a coincidence. I can't imagine they taste good either. Little Johny in the corner ravaging the window frame in hopes for more delicous "Burnt Siena" isn't exactly what I would label as an example of humanities great hopes for our future. I think these kids are already damaged goods and people should quit blaming the poor paint companies.

Good News!
that's right kids I am back and slightly more angry then ever. When I say kids I am speaking to the 30 or so Cambodians I have adopted. Yeah that's right I own them. And they do my bidding. But anyways,I am going to ask you all a question. When did we stop using the word ask and adopt it's bastardized cousin,axe. No not the chopping tool using in lumber jackery or bad horror movies, the verb meaning to inquire. (apparently derived from the Greek axues; or way to sound retarded) SO everyone let me axe you another question. LET ME, please. Don't make me beg, OK FINE, god friggin idiot, PLEASE LET ME AXE YOU A QUESTION, pretty pretty please with a cherry on top, ... ....Yes with sprinkles, what kinda monster do you take me for. Why do people call sprinkles jimmies. I have a Jimmy for a roommate, and while I cannot comment on his taste, I know for a fact he is not a minute cylinder of compressed high fructose corn syrup. If we want to call them Jimmies, we need to make them look like a person. And while we are talking about food shaped like things I have a problem with one of America's favorite snacks. GOLDFISHES. I saw goldfishes that were smiling the other day. What do they have to be so happy about. If someone put my ass in a foil and paper bag with 1,000 of my closest friends and left us there for a month, I wouldn't be happy at all. Even after they are free they have nothing to smile about, they are just separated into smaller groups and put into plastic bags and then are slowly devoured/smashified by the Toddler sitting next to you in church. Yeah keep smiling as you become a smearing of orange dust across the pew. Optimistic cracker bastards.

Pre-Season-Giving?

I was thinking about how Thanksgiving is really not a holiday anymore. It's more like a pracitce for Christmas. Decorations are already up, Santas already at the mall, and you grandma is sizing you up for another lumpy sweater she's gonna knit. I have come to the realization that Thanksgiving is really just like a pre-season football game. It doesn't really have a purpose other than to show everyone what you got, and then to see what you need to do for the big time. In pre-sason football no one is really looking for a win, just to show off a few things, get an idea about how they are going to do for the future. We're all the same way at Thanksgiving, we show up with our good clothes, but not the best ones, we have to save those for the big show. All the teams bring out their new star players out to see how they do in the leauge. We do the same thing with people we are dating, like a new quarter back we show them around, see the reactions and then decide if it's gonna fly for the regular season. Eating is the same way we eat a lot to see how far we can push ourselves before it starts to matter how much fruitcake you can put away in a two hour time period with Aunt Millie watching. I really miss the good old days when Thanksgiving was just a pre-season match, but more like a friendly pickup game just to have a few good times and laugh at your one uncle who eats too much and then hits the wine a little too hard for a family function. Good times.

Sorry everyone

Hey sorry I have been on here in a while, the truth is that I was abducted by aliens and forced to write for them, needless to say I am back, something about insuffient funniness and encreased enjoyment of frequent anal probes. OH Well. Wait that's not the truth. The real truth is I have been busy at school and at life. Some for the good, some for the not so good. But I promise soon I will be back to my old self. Lewd and Obnoxious.
Here is a few little things that I was thinking about.
An improvement for the NO TRESPASSING: Violaters will be Prosecuted.
Shorten it and just wait TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATEd. I would be sure to steer clear of that place.
Peer Pressure all the cool kids are doing it.
and also,
Don't try to seceed from the union. It is not very funny, and people get mad at you for being an asshole. Yeah that about sums it up.

Bob Barker, Game show host or Anti Christ

I know, I know all college students love Bob Barker and my dream should be to one day spin that big wheel and big on a showcase during one of the infamous showdowns, but I am breaking from the rest of higher education and saying that Bob really is not as cool as I we were made to think.
But he gives away so much stuff.
Bullshit. He gives away soooo much crap. That is the stuff that stores couldn't sell. How many dining room sets does the Prices Right Producers have in the warehouse, and why does every old person and college student win them. I've seen a lot of appartments during my breif college experience but none of them would look right with the blue flowered floral dishes and their dark wood display case, Yeah bob I'll just set it between the Beer Pong table and that passed out girl. Nice. And what do the old people want to win furniture for anyways. The stuff they have had since the 70's is in plastic covers anyways so it's not like they need new ones to just cover up.
But the showcases Jon, The showcases.
Yeah I always wanted a golf cart, an Air Hockey Table, and a trip to Montreal all at once. And never pass on a showcase because if you do your going to get the life time supply of dish detergent and a new kitchen sink, along with the latest in shopvac technology. The only thing Bobby boy's show has going for him is Plinko and new cars. If it wasn't for the chance at those two things, no one would watch. No one except for the old cat ladies whose life revolves around the price of kitty litter and cat food (two things bob gives away a lot of.) And how old is Bob, seriously they must have found him when they dug up the foundation for CBS's studios. He has been doing that show forever and never will stop so I am sure that he is ageless and there for Imortal and he's got to be evil to have a game show that demands you know the going price of Jock itch cream. so I deduce that he is infact the anti christ, that or an robot like his twin Dick Clark. So don't waste your afternoons watching him, watch something constructive like cartoons.

World Domination, eh too much work, NORTH AMERICA DOMINATION

People set their goals too high. The world is a big place with a lot of people who aren't going to like you too much. And they might have rocks or bullets and that would be bad if you got hit with either of those. SO revise your goals and take an easier route. I've chosen North America Domination. That's a lot of dominating Jon, How could you ever do that? Well I will tell you, First off is the hard part, become president. I am might just have to rig an election to get it but it's for the greater good and all that. So anyways I will declare War on Canada within a week of my acceptance of the Presidency. I will just say canada has a big program to make nukes out of Lumber, and show the Canadain national Lumber production numbers and people will be scared. (honestly who needs that much wood.) Anyways we will move up and go in with huge bags of trash and just litter everywhere. The general Canadian populace will be so busy picking things up and making their country clean again they will never see the massed troops shooting their way through their towns. Anyways after I declare total victory I will decree that a state quarter be minted and Canada be admitted as the 51st state. The Maple Leaf State. Their quarter will have some hockey sticks and a pitcher of syrup. And as a way to keep the their broken populace under check I will force them all to wear Mounty Costumes and become park rangers for America's Largest National Park : CANADIA. Meanwhile I figure all the mexicans will have snuck into Nevada, Arizona, Texas and California so we will just march down there and plant a few flags down and call it a day. And that is how I can dominate North America, maybe I will get greedy later and go for something else, but if a continent can't keep you busy, you may want to have a serious session with a doctor in the field of psychology.

People always come up to me and ask, "How can you relate Sandwiches to a Constitutional Amendment?" and I am all like "Well as I see it Sandwiches with pickles in them are stupid. There is a lot of sandwich and a little bit of pickle. so your only going to get 1 maybe 2 bites of pickle, and it's not the best flavor to be surprised by. Eating a McDonals cheeseburger with Pickles is like play Russian roulette. And how crappy is Russia if their roulette is taking a revolver, and having a 1 in 6 chance of killing yourself. Can you imagine what the rest of their casino is like. What would Russian Black Jack be if that is how they play Roulette. When you asked to get hit, you actually do. And don't get over 21, becuase when you bust, they bust your kneecaps. And speaking of busting knee caps, what is the mob been up to lately, I think the only thing organized crime has done recently is be made fun of by shows like the Sapranos. What happened to the cool shit they used to pull bank hiests, and run booze in from Canada, and use tommy guns and other cool mob stuff. That's right the reappealed Prohabition and all the cool shit stopped. so finally I will look at the subject of Prohabition and how retarded that was, what the hell were we thinking, what would college students do on the weekends? Bitch" and they are all like "OK thanks"

Today I was thinking about some foods I hate. The number one food I hate is Celery. I think satan is behind the whole business. Seriously it is a worthless food to me, and it blows my mind that other people can possibly eat it at all. But today I consumed Blue Cheese Dressing. Gaahhh, (icky stuff sound). I don't like the idea of eating mold. Mold is what happens when food becomes uneatable (not sure if that is a word or not). Also Mushrooms disgust me. Fungus is something you pick up from a dirty shower or a wrestling room floor, or by wrestling in the shower. Anything that grows directly in shit should not be put anywhere near your mouth. Your mom should have taught you that at age 5. Yeah so no more fungaseses or molds. Infact anything that produces spores should be not be considered for human consumption. E-ghad. I just wanted to say E-ghad.

I hate the word porn. Don't get me wrong, I love porn (in most of it's many, many forms), but still the word is so dirty and makes even me a little ashamed. Can't we think of a better world, or Maybe a whole new Phrase. Hows about "Instructional Video Meant to be veiwed by Adults" well that was kinda lame, but it sure beats something to give yourself a hand shanty to. Or Whack-a-film. Yeah that is foul. not fowl like geese. That is a different fowl and I am disappointed in you. you get an F, an F for the day

my clubhouse

Anyone who was a child at one time or another, had or tried to make a secret club. I remember I had one, and I am sure you can look fondly deep into your memories and think of your club, unless your club involved smoking pot, because then you can't remember shit. Anyways, does that dream of having a secret club ever disapear from our minds. I don't think so. Especially not for guys. Some guys get to make their dreams a reality, and open up a club. A lot like your original childhood club, well except for the loud music, expensive lighting, the drinking, you can't forget the drinking, but the most contradictory change is that of the most basic rule of a boys clubhouse. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. That rule has been shit on from the first time one of your buddies had his first squeak and sprouted some hair you know where. It seems like in modern clubs, the rule is not only girls welcome, but Girls only sometimes. Some clubs in the adult world do not violate the golden rule of childhood club housery, they instead continue to keep women away, Things like the lions club and the Elks and other places were old men go to bitch about their wives and get so drunk they can't remember what pills to take what day, or if they can't remember your name, it might not be a dabilitaing disease, just excessive drinking, or if they were a member of the afore mentioned pot smoking club. Well I demand a resurgance of the old ways of the clubhouse. I encourage everyone everywhere, gather together 3 or 4 friends, get a few cardboard boxes and whatever you can steal from the Neighbors back yard and go make your own club house.