Pink

Some one recently told me that Pink was the new red. Hmmm just take a second and let that one soak in. yeah, a new red. Where did old red go. If I have a shirt that was considered red what is it now. Rainbows across the world have shifted to Poy G. Biv. Our flag is now the proud owner of pink white and blue. Cop cars are much less intimidating with blue and pink lights flashing. Stop lights don't tell you to stop the same anymore and finally car accidnets are much happier because people are now losing streams of pink juices instead of nasty old red blood. YOU CAN'T MAKE ONE COLOR BE ANOTHER ONE. The new red is RED, just like the new pink is PINK. Very simply until you change the 8 color spectrum and can seperate light into a pattern where pink is in the spot of red, then pink is still pink, and red is still RED.

Behold the power of Febreeze

Today I come to you to speak of yet another wonder chemical brought to the American people. No it's not the most holy Nyquil, and no it's not Gold Bond, (I think that stuff could cure cancer) it's every guys best friend Febreeze. This magic chemical is the closest thing to Anti-Stink spray yet known to mankind. I don't know how it works really, but I assume it's a little something like this. Odor, in it's rawest form, FUNK, is hanging out everywhere in your room. Not too big of a deal for day to day life, but when Funk has it's pals over, B.O. and "that ass smell" then you might get mad and do something about it. That something is get yourself a bottle of Febreeze and go to town. You can spray that stuff anywhere; couch, carpet, curtains, pets, hobos, whatever you have laying around your room. And somehow through the magic of techology the Febreeze evicts the funk and lets the room smell like.... well it smells like febreeze, but still it's not funk. This stuff is great for people like me who don't like to clean as much as to find out someone's coming over and lay down a healthy coating of Febreeze throughout the area. And before I finish up and toss the bottle back down, I give myself a few passes just to be sure. There is a new aresol febreeze out on the market and I am a huge fan. It gives me that same funk fighting power with out all that trigger squeezing I had to do with the original variety. There is only one downside to this magnificent milestone in better living, You never have enough. When you really need it, parents are coming, having a girl over for dinner (I know that some of you are female, but I just like to think you will have each other over for dinner... and then there is a glass of wine spilled on a shirt.... and then.... well all the little dots can lead you to....) Or those pesky child service people start poking around. Anyways, childabuser, potential lesbian, or just unclean person (who can pick with those options, I can, unfortunately the lesbians I know don't really like me too much.) you should always have a spare bottle of Febreeze.

Man in a can

Ok most guys use some sort of body spray. Whatever your brand may be, Axe, Tag, Bod, Old Spice, Pam (I hate when I stick to the pan and get all burned and crispy), the comercials all seem to show that simply spraying a few puffs of fragrance on will make you the manliest man to ever...be a man?. ANYWAYS. I looked at the ingredients on my can of Axe. and they are as follows SD Alcohol, Butane, Hydrofluorcarbon, fragrence, and Isopropyl Myristate. I know for a fact that the first two are flammable. one you put in lighters, the other you put into my stomach. Then next two I assume are the smelly ones and such. and that last little guy.... well he's... probably the chemical name of Manlyness. So applying this to yourself can't possible make you all that manly. Infact I think it should make you more combustable. So when wearing this product stay near women, not open flames. Do not store yourself in direct sunlight or in an area that will reach over 120* (where the crap is that little degrees circle on a keyboard. seriously how many times a day do I use this little thing {}. couldn't of those be the degress cirlce. who needs 2 shift keys anyways. ) ANYWAYS those sprays make you smell good (or are good for non-stick baking), but they don't make you any more of a man. only illegal testosterone injections can.

Heavens Draft

With all the recent deaths of prominent figures I think we need to ask ourselves why. Is it possible that god is putting together an all-star show. Ray Charles will obviously be playing and singing along with ODB (old dirty bastard, for all yal who don't represent), Mitch Headberg Rodney Dangerfield and Johnny Carson will be telling the jokes. And the talent always needs a good agent, that's why god gave the big call down to Johnny Cochran. And we all know how stars get when the food is sub par, so the lord picked up Frank Perdue and Julia Childs in the 3rd round. And every good show needs a headliner, that is why for a limited time engagement Pope John Paul II will be opening. OK OK OK joking aside, these people will be missed (except Johnny Cochran) and their deaths are a loss to us all. Oh yeah and the pope will be closing cause no one can follow that act.

Sick (in the illness way, not the perverted way, ok I am still sick that way too, but more towards the illness)

Ask anyone what the worst feeling is and I am sure they would tell you being eaten alive by 200,000 raging fire ants. And I am sure we can all agree that would feel pretty bad. I am sick today and I feel bad, not nearly that bad as all the ants, but still pretty bad. I feel like someone filled my sinus cavity with all the sheets of a maximum security prision on an August night. Old people who worked as the Asbestos man in a coal mine and smoked a pack a day since they were 5 can breathe easier then me. And what are my weapons I am using to fight this phlemy menace? Advil Cold and Sinus, that is some good stuff, Cough drops, and cough syrup. Those of you who know me may be asking where is your atomic bomb of medication. Nyquil. Well I am currently out that magic green elixior of life. I know just a half a bottle would obliterate this cold in a single night, but with no NyQuil in sight it looks like I will just have to carry on fighting for my body and it's weakening immune system. If you are moved by my terrible plight please send NyQuil as soon as possible. The larger the quantity the better, is there NyQuil concentrate? If so I would be making NyQuil slurpees. Anyways, Any donation is welcome and you can just pledge it on my comments section. Thank you and with your help I am sure we can stop me from coughing up things of questionable origin.